CAST:
WILL FERRELL as ALEX TREBEK
ALEC BALDWIN as DONALD TRUMP
JEFF GOLDBLUM as GARY JOHNSON
DARRELL HAMMOND as SEAN CONNERY
FADE IN on Jeopardy set.
TREBEK: Hello and welcome to Jeopardy. As always I am your host, Alex Trebek. Tonight’s celebrity episode is politically-themed, in honor of the upcoming presidential election — and yet, looking at our contestants, I feel certain that this may be the dumbest Celebrity Jeopardy yet. Still, we saunter on. Let’s introduce our three contestants. First, Republican candidate and man of great words, Donald Trump.
TRUMP: Alex, before we begin I just want to say that the other contestants here are worthless piles of human garbage who have never owned a thing of beauty in their entire lives.
TREBEK: That is quite harsh, Mr. Trump.
(TRUMP gives his smug sour face.)
TREBEK: Next we have Libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson.
JOHNSON: Who?
TREBEK: You. Gary Johnson.
JOHNSON: Never heard of him.
TREBEK (dumbfounded): Ah. Okay. And finally, we were supposed to have Hillary Clinton as the third contestant but she declined due to suffering from pneumonia during our taping.
TRUMP (too close to mic): She has a terrible immune system —
TREBEK: That’s enough, Mr. Trump. After Mrs. Clinton declined we offered the third spot to Dr. Jill Stein, the Green Party candidate, but she also declined due to Mercury being in retrograde. We even tried getting a hold of Vermin Supreme, the presidential candidate who wears a boot on his head, but his calls went straight to voicemail.
(sighs)
And so, unfortunately, here’s Sean Connery.
CONNERY: Ha ha! We meet again Trebek!
TREBEK: Truly we are like the Sherlock and Moriarty of game shows.
CONNERY: No, Trebek, I’m the Holmes.
TREBEK: Is that so?
CONNERY: The John Holmes! Ha ha! (grabs junk)
TREBEK: Good lord.
CONNERY (off camera, shouting): I HAVE A LARGE PENIS —
TREBEK: We get it, Mr. Connery.
CONNERY: Your mother got it last night —
TRUMP: If I may interrupt, John Holmes had a very tiny penis compared to my penis. My penis, is huge. You’ll never see a larger penis than mine. It’s been documented.
(CAMERA cuts back to TREBEK, who has loosened his tie and is opening a bottle of cheap whiskey. He takes a swig.)
TREBEK: Let’s just get this over with. Here are our categories for Double Jeopardy: “U.S. History,” “Cars That End With ‘-ord’”, “Trebek Answers” — in this category, if you choose it, and I hope you do, I will read the clue and then also answer it and you will win. It’s really that simple — “Potent Potables,” “Current Events,” and “ ‘Ripoff’ Art”. This category is about famous artists and the art they stole from.
TRUMP: What is Led Zeppelin.
TREBEK: I haven’t even begun, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: They stole all their music, Robert Plant told me personally backstage in 1975 after a six hour cocaine binge. (Sniffs loudly.) It’s all over the news.
TREBEK: Great. Mr. Johnson, you have control of the board. Might I suggest picking “Trebek Answers”.
TREBEK: Mr. Johnson.
TRUMP (to Gary): He’s talking to you, Gary.
JOHNSON: Oh. Me? Yes. Ah, ha ha, of course. (sticks tongue out briefly) If I am elected president I will ensure that our civil liberties shall not be infringed upon —
TREBEK: I’m sorry, Mr. Johnson, but this is not a presidential debate. It’s Jeopardy.
JOHNSON: What is that?
TREBEK: It’s the television show you agreed to be on.
JOHNSON: “Television”?
TREBEK: Just … please pick a topic from the board in front of you. Hopefully “Trebek Answers.”
JOHNSON: Ah, uh … I’ll take “Current Events” for $200.
TREBEK (reads): “This event, currently happening in the U.S., has its Election Day on November 8th, 2016.”
(No answer.)
November 8th, 2016. I’ll give you a hint: you’re in it right now.
(TRUMP buzzes.)
TREBEK: Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: Miss America pageant.
TREBEK: No.
TRUMP (close to mic): Wrong.
(CONNERY buzzes.)
TREBEK: Mr. Connery.
CONNERY: What is my penis?
TREBEK: No.
CONNERY: But I’m sure it’ll be having a big erection on —
TREBEK: Mr. Connery that is enough.
CONNERY: It wasn’t enough for your mother, Trebek!
(JOHNSON buzzes.)
TREBEK: Thank god. Mr. Johnson.
JOHNSON: Who?
TREBEK: You.
JOHNSON: Me?
TREBEK: Yes, you.
JOHNSON: What about me?
TREBEK: What is your answer?
JOHNSON: To what?
TREBEK: To the clue I just gave you.
JOHNSON: What clue?
(“Too late” buzzer sounds.)
TREBEK: Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Mr. Johnson, you still have control of the board.
JOHNSON: The what?
TREBEK: The board.
JOHNSON (tongue sticking out): Tha wha?
CONNERY: Ah, trying to impress Trebek with your tongue length. We’ll see about that! (Sticks out tongue.)
TRUMP: Listen, I have the longest tongue, Sean Hannity knows I have the longest tongue, he’s seen my tongue, it’s a good tongue, you can call him, he’ll tell you. (Sticks out tongue.)
(All three of them have their tongues out.)
TREBEK: Somebody check the tapes, but I am pretty sure this is a new low for Celebrity Jeopardy: three grown men with their tongues out. Gentlemen. Please keep your tongues inside your mouths at all times.
JOHNSON: Our whats?
TREBEK: Your TONGUES — oh nevermind. Mr. Trump, pick a topic.
TRUMP: Picking topics I am great at. It’s the greatest thing I do. I’ll take “Trump” for one million.
TREBEK: There is no “Trump” topic.
TRUMP: Yes there is.
TREBEK: No there’s not.
TRUMP (close to mic): Wrong.
TREBEK: Mr. Trump, please just say “I’ll take ‘Trebek Answers’ for $1,000.”
TRUMP: I never said that.
TREBEK: I … I know. Just say it out loud, right now.
TRUMP: It’s always the same, the liberal lamestream media, always wanting to put words into my mouth that I never said. Sad! Hold on I’m gonna tweet that. (Goes to tweet.)
TREBEK: … Mr. Connery?
CONNERY: I’ll take “Rip A Fart” for $300.
(CAMERA on “ ‘Ripoff’ Art.” Then to TREBEK’s face, CONNERY laughing in background.)
TREBEK: That’s … Ripoff Art.
CONNERY: Yes. Rip a fart.
TREBEK (overenunciating): Rip. Off. Art.
CONNERY: If you say so Trebek! (Farts.)
TREBEK: Good god almighty.
TRUMP: Hey, I happen to know for a fact that Sean Connery’s farts are awful and pale in comparison to my excellent farts. I have the best farts, you can check the tapes. I eat gold-flaked caviar every day for lunch. Check this out. (Farts.)
CONNERY: Ha, you call that a fart? (Farts again.)
TRUMP: Now this is the type of debate I like! (Farts.)
(They start a farting war. TREBEK sounds an AIR HORN multiple times until they stop.)
TREBEK: FINAL JEOPARDY.
TRUMP: Wait. We need to check Gary’s farts.
TREBEK: No we don’t.
TRUMP: It’s only fair Alex. You give one candidate time to fart you gotta give equal time to the other candidates. That’s how it works. Gary, give us a big wet one you weird-looking dude.
JOHNSON: What?
TRUMP: You look like a claymation golem under a heat lamp. Give us a fart.
CONNERY: Rip a fart! Come on you bloody coward!
(JOHNSON hesitates, then lets off a squeaker. CONNERY laughs wildly, TRUMP makes his sour face and does a “so-so” gesture with his hand.)
TRUMP (close to mic): I’ve heard better, Alex.
(CAMERA on TREBEK, who has a pistol to his temple.)
TREBEK: I’m going to do it. I swear to God I am going to do it. If we do not get a correct answer in Final Jeopardy I am going to murder myself live on air. It truly will be a “Final” Jeopardy.
TRUMP: Now that’s great television.
TREBEK: Your Final Jeopardy clue is: “Draw a shape.”
(as music plays)
That’s right, draw a shape. Any shape. A circle, a triangle, if you are feeling brave even a square. Anything that is considered a shape will win. Any shape at all.
(music ends)
Mr. Trump, you are first. Let us see, did you draw a shape?
(On TRUMP’s display: “TRUMP”.)
TREBEK: Ah. (to JUDGES offscreen) Judges, would you consider the enclosed loop in the R or the P a “shape”? It’s kind of like a circle, flattened on one end, wouldn’t you say? Please understand that if you say no, I will murder myself, and my wife will be a widow.
(Beat.)
I see. Life is meaningless. Mr. Trump, your answer is incorrect. How much did you wager?
(On TRUMP’s display: “STEAKS”. CAMERA on TRUMP, he’s holding a vacuum-sealed steak.)
TRUMP: Trump Steaks are the greatest steaks you’ll ever eat. They are from the best beef in a tiny impoverished village in Cambodia, or Colomba, something like that. I have kids working overtime to slaughter these cows. We slaughter so many cows. We’re the best at it.
TREBEK: You … wagered your own steak.
(CAMERA on TRUMP, making his sour face with the steak close to his face.)
TREBEK: Okay. Mr. Johnson, what — where is Mr. Johnson?
(CAMERA on JOHNSON’s podium, no one is there.)
TREBEK: Mr. Johnson seems to have left the stage. Oh well. What did he draw?
(On JOHNSON’s display: nothing.)
TREBEK: Of course. How could I be so stupid. The wager?
(On JOHNSON’s display: “Aleppo”)
TREBEK: I … I want to say goodbye to my wife Jean, and to my two children, Matthew and Emily, whom I love very, very much. Daddy is going to a better place, I promise you.
(to CONNERY)
Mr. Connery, my arch-nemesis. Only you can save me from the loving embrace of permanent death. What did you draw?
(On CONNERY’s display: a circle with a dot inside.)
TREBEK: Oh my god. Mr. Connery, you’ve done it. You drew a circle. You drew an actual circle! You drew a shape. Oh thank god.
(to CAMERA)
I’m so sorry Jean, Matthew, Emily, I’m so sorry I’ve worried you. I’m coming home tonight. I’m coming home.
(to CONNERY)
What was your wager?
(On CONNERY’s display: reveals the circle is the head of a cock and balls. CONNERY laughs wildly.)
CONNERY: Told’ya I’d have a big erection! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
(TREBEK pauses, then lifts gun to head. STAGEHANDS run in and grab his arms.)
TREBEK (as they drag him off screen): That’s all the time we have. Jean I’ll see you at the hospital. Good night.
FADE OUT.