There was a Vine video that accompanied this post, but alas, it is lost.
INT. BEDROOM OF TED AND HEIDI CRUZ — NIGHT
TED CRUZ kneels on the floor, his arms and hands propped up in a position of prayer on the edge of his bed. He is wearing pajamas with that iconic “Cowboys and Indians” print on them. We zoom in on him and notice that in between his hands is small black communication device to his homeworld. It is blinking in different colors. TED glances around, then speaks quietly into the device.
TED CRUZ
Blazzleglorp to Mothership. Blazzleglorp to Mothership. I have suspended my campaign for Earth President. Repeat, I have suspended my campaign for Earth President. The Carrot Faced Earth male, he is too powerful, he speaks to the stupid Earthlings like they are idiots and they love it. They eat it up like fresh vagblep stew. The Earthlings are dumb, but never in all my time here did I suspect they would be this dumb. They are not worth enslavement. I am returning to the Mothership. Repeat: I am returning to the Mothership. I will give the signal when I am ready.
HEIDI CRUZ enters from the bathroom, wearing her nightgown and rubbing lotion into her arms.
TED CRUZ
(whispers into device:)
All hail the phosphorescent orb Fleegflag and her million Abominations. Blazzleglorp out.
(loudly:)
I love you Jesus Christ, you are … a great … thing. Amen.
HEIDI CRUZ
How are you doing, honey?
TED stands and then sits on the edge of the bed, facing HEIDI.
TED CRUZ
I register sadness. I mean. I feel sad, that we cannot continue onward, forward, toward progress in this great United States of America.
HEIDI CRUZ
I know, honey.
TED CRUZ
I trust that the Carrot Faced Man will lead the country —
HEIDI CRUZ
Who?
TED CRUZ
Ahem. Donald Trump.
HEIDI CRUZ
Oh. I get it. You’re so funny.
HEIDIbegins to rub lotion onto her face, but winces when she touches her eye.
TED CRUZ
I’m … sorry…
HEIDI CRUZ
No, it’s alright, I understand. You weren’t looking. Could’ve happened to anyone.
A beat. TED CRUZ stands. He begins unbuttoning his pajama shirt.
TED CRUZ
This flesh bag is difficult to control.
HEIDI CRUZ
What, honey?
TED CRUZ removes the shirt. He then takes off his pajama bottoms. He is in his underwear (briefs) and, for some reason, black socks. He gestures awkwardly to his wife.
TED CRUZ
Come to me, human wife.
HEIDI walks to him.
HEIDI CRUZ
Are … are you okay Teddy?
TED sighs, stares at his wife.
TED CRUZ
I want you to know, human wife, that during all of my time on your planet Earth, stuck among your filthy, smelly human kind, with your useless television programs and your endless attachment to logical fantasies, loud, disgusting music, and pornography … that during this tremendous time of trouble for me … I … grew to … love you.
HEIDI CRUZ
… What?
TED CRUZ
Please do not take this personally.
TED CRUZ reaches to his chest, and uses both hands to grab at the bottom of his rib cage. In a fantastical feat of strength, he RIPS his ribcage out and upward, spilling blood and his lungs and heart onto the floor. HEIDI retreats and screams in disgust and fear. TED then rips downward, exposing his guts which unravel onto the floor. Out of TED’s now lifeless, but still standing, corpse crawls out BLAZZLEGLORP, a weird looking alien being. BLAZZLEGLORP walks over to HEIDI, who is now on the other end of the room and petrified. BLAZZLEGLORP is all slimy and gross looking, and he leans in and kisses HEIDI on the cheek, causing her to retch.
BLAZZLEGLORP
(whispers to HEIDI:)
Please let the other humans know, that they are too stupid to be enslaved. This is their saving grace.
BLAZZLEGLORP walks back to the center of the room and takes the communication device from TED’s pajama pocket.
BLAZZLEGLORP
(into device:)
I am ready.
A brilliant blue flash of light and a futuristic hum enters the room from the ceiling, casting itself onto BLAZZLEGLORP’s weird alien body. It then lifts him out of the bedroom, through the ceiling. The light disappears.
TED CRUZ’s corpse collapses to the ground in a sickening thud. HEIDI CRUZ screams again.
FADE OUT
The End