236: (level)

i just want to not be depressed. that’s it. i don’t even care about being happy, or even content. i just want to be level, i just want to move through the world not thinking that i am a worthless bag of shit. that’s all. i want to look at a beautiful woman and think, “i should ask her out,” not think, “there’s no way she would ever love me.” that’s all. it’s so simple, brain. some dumb chemical reactions misfiring up here, or firing too much, i don’t know. lack of dopamine. how could these fucking chemicals ruin everything? i don’t know. but really all i need is to feel level again. to feel like my life has meaning, purpose, outside of what is directed of me. i want to feel like making music makes sense, that being honest about my situation won’t ruin my life. i don’t want to look like damaged goods, you know? when i was in my 20s that was fine because life was about getting knocked down and getting back up. but now that i’m in my 30s, like really in my 30s, the “knocked down” part is getting longer and longer, and the last thing i want is to force people to help me get back up. i gotta do it on my own. just don’t know how. working on it though. god damn.