202: ted cruz (ted cruz is an alien)

[ted cruz is alone in his bedroom. he is wearing pajamas with cowboys and indians on them. he is kneeling by his bed with his hands in a position of prayer. however, in between his hands is a futuristic communication device, which he speaks into quietly.]

blazzflorp, this is krobbletok. blazzflorp, this is krobbletok. all hail the mother orb glorbenstein and her limitless abominations. today i have joined with the woman who i once fought against. i have chosen her to be my “running mate,” which for the american humans is like the high title of yagglegreik, except with less yaggle. i have been pursuing the american “presidency” for many klarbs now, too many it feels like. every day i struggle to maintain the precise variables required for my human body to stay alive. living my days and nights in a meat bag is curious. i miss my multiple genitalia; male humanoids have one set of genitalia, a thin rod which, when excited, becomes engorged with their own blood. they also have to round orbs held within sacks beneath this rod which contain the proteins necessary to create life, which they impregnate the women with … it is all very disgusting. human women have slimy openings which my engorged rod is meant to enter into, to deposit proteins deep inside of her for proper incubation. unfortunately i cannot just enter them and deposit the proteins–no, human males are forced to thrust this rod back and forth multiple times until they “come buckets.” the human males seem to enjoy coming buckets, and the human females tolerate it.

my human wife requires sexual intercourse because she believes it to be healthy and natural, and my excuses to refrain are becoming harder to justify. i have reams of literature as to why humanoid sexuality is gross and unnatural, but it would take me decades to translate it into humanoid languages. my human wife suspects, i think, but i must maintain this facade, and so, unfortunately, i was forced to come buckets inside of her last night, while wearing a small rubber tube on my rod so as to not actually impregnate her. i know, i know, none of this makes sense. the human’s concept of “pleasure” is profane and blunt, and after a few thrusts i found myself shouting “oh my god” and “i’m coming,” phrases stored in my human host’s memory. the second phrase is strange–“i’m coming”, and yet, i am already there. stupid humans. my human wife raked her nails down my back as i came many buckets into her, a feeling which suddenly made me wary of her affections. why was she hurting me? was this all an elaborate ruse? was this sexual encounter a trap, and now she was going to rake her claws and tear my precious flesh suit away from me? i did not know what to do and i was stuck in post-coital pleasure zone which felt wholly cheap and not nearly as pleasurable as the eight-genitaled sexual intercourse we give to ourselves on glorbenstein, yet still incapacitated me for many, many hours.

she said it was the best sexual intercourse we have ever had. that strikes me as a very disappointing comment.

either way, today at a political rally i announced my “running mate,” a human woman whose name my tongue cannot pronounce. at the end of the rally she touched my flesh grappling device, or i touched hers, and it became very awkward. i believe this is perhaps because, prior to the rally, i suggested we actually mate before the announcement. she was unhappy about that, but i told her how i had mated with my human wife and she said it was the best intercourse we have ever had, and i thought perhaps this woman would also like to experience it, so that i could make her happier, and so i could get a second opinion on my sexual prowess. she said she would not like to experience it. i am displeased about her attitude, but very pleased that i do not have to have sexual intercourse using my primitive human male genitalia.

blazzflorp, i hope this communication finds you in good health, and that all your joggles are clornfled. krobbletok out.

By Josh

I'm the guy who owns this site, ya dummy.

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