151: d3

ultimately i am a bad friend. i apologize for this. it’s because i value silence and alone time. i make the excuse that i need the space to create but the truth is that i have a suspicion of how other people view me–namely, that they think i’m boring or annoying or whatever–negative things, all of them, and enough to keep me indoors and in front of a computer screen. i’m a bad friend and a worse boyfriend. i’m sorry. i’d change but that would require change, and now i can just be a lazy loner. it makes me sad. i’d love to change, i feel the desire bubble up in me occasionally but it’s hard to rip deep seated roots out of the earth. “he had such promise,” i hear characters say in my head. i look up an article that says that jon hamm didn’t achieve success until his 30s. but he worked hard. he worked hard for a decade to get there. i haven’t. i took classes and made myself a pseudo-expert in a field most people don’t care about, a field that requires people to care about it. a field that desires warm bodies in a small room to generate lasting heat. so what the fuck? where is my desire? why do i not want to see anyone? why do i refrain from going out? why am i such a bad friend and boring boyfriend? she said “you’ll find someone better for you” and i thought “where?”. i’m ruining myself just thinking about it. how do you think so positively? where does it come from? how do i find it? give me your secrets, let me delve into this world. i need your naive love for mankind. it’s like a booster shot i don’t want but desperately need. i have depression flu. i gotta have that flu shot.