085: edward

bank robbery, huh? well, i’m in because i threw a battery at a dog. tried to at least. yeah, a dog. a little one, like a pug, yeah, a pug, a little fucking gross pug dog. see this old woman lives near my house and she has this pug dog, an old, disgusting, filthy old ass pug dog, and it always shits in my yard–i mean, she lets it shit in my yard. she takes it out every day and turns the corner on the sidewalk, heading toward my house, and without fail the dog starts sniffing around in my yard. then she pretends not to notice when that little shit drops a fat deuce on my wife’s petunias. we even put a sign up: “they poop, you scoop,” but it doesn’t work. so i’d had enough. i was helping my kid change the battery in his remote controlled car that does wheelies or whatever, when i spotted her and her fat bread loaf pug trotting down the sidewalk. i handed the car to my kid and was like, “hold on, i gotta take care of something.” sure enough, when i open the front door the pug was hunched over, plopping steaming turds on the grass not ten feet away. i was furious, so furious, i didn’t even think straight, i just chucked this 9 volt battery still in my hand at the dog’s gaping asshole. problem is, i’m no pitcher for the dodgers, i’m an IT consultant at a bank, for fuck’s sake, so instead of hitting the dog i bean the old woman right in the temple and she goes down like a bag of onions. luckily she’s okay but she did press charges because she’s a miserable woman, so i have to stay here until my wife gets my bail money. so, i guess you could say i’m in here for assault with battery.