2015 was a good year that turned into a difficult year, but was always kind of a difficult year in a way. i’m still debating if it ended up better or worse than 2014; i think, ultimately, it was better, just more difficult. i continue to be amazed and exasperated at how much i learn about myself, what i want and what i don’t want. you’d think after 32 years i’d know what i want. but i don’t sometimes, and it’s frustrating, and in trying to find what i want, i make sacrifices that might have been mistakes, and watch the sunnier days from the comfort of my bedroom window, as i lament in text on a computer screen. i learned a lot this year and yet was still the same old doofus. i learned that i like video games, like i really like them, and that i shouldn’t beat myself up for liking them. i learned to leave at the right time instead of too late, and to encourage others to do the same. i learned that my downfall in relationships is to always assume there is someone better out there for the other person. i learned that your best friends are the ones who are there even when you’ve been hiding in darkness for months. i also learned, well, i’ve known now for a while, that whatever longing feeling gnawing at my insides refuses to go away, dooming me to continually search for it instead of enjoying what i have right in front of me. i am a sisyphus of emotion sometimes.
i also learned that i share more when I’m drunk. what can i say, these two scottish ales i drank are strong. the point is, i’ve never been one to settle on a happy ending, because a happy ending implies that everything’s been figured out, when really, nothing is figured out. every year raises more questions than the one before. every year brings its own difficulty. every year wants you to be the best you can be. i don’t even know. here’s to 2016 and to being the best you can be.
