057: ian

i was walking down the waterfront and i think my brain broke. i mean, we all see people in a context, right? the context that we are humans and they are humans and we know what we want to see and what is normal to see in a human being. two eyes, nose, mouth, head, appendages, etc. all of those things are aspects of being a human, and also aspects of being other living beings that we identify with on a more fundamental level, like mammals for instance. well anyway i was walking down the waterfront and that contextual part of my brain just stopped, and i spent the next ten minutes or so realizing how weird being human is. that life’s billions of years of evolution brought us to this point, that our eyes are nothing more than these membranes with liquid in them, that our mouth is just a big chomping device necessary to get sustenance into our bodies. like, our torso is the most important part of us, functionally, and our arms, feet, and head are just things that help fuel our torso. isn’t that FUCKING WEIRD? we have these brains and these thoughts and all of this intelligence and shoes for our feet and gloves for our hands, all so we can protect our torso. i mean, the brain is important but it could be the size of a golf ball and we would still be able to function on a basic level. in a way our intelligence is a hindrance, it keeps us from fucking and eating, you know what i mean?

so that torso is like a big amoeba like thing with all the important stuff in it. the food digesters and the baby making machines. and then we grow legs and arms to move and catch or gather food, but for some reason we also grew this bulbous head where the food goes. why? why do we have this big dumb head? these gross liquidy eyes, this nose that constantly has gunk in it, floppy dumb ears, HAIR, why the fuck do we have hair? and some people have a lot and others don’t, what the, where, who decided this nonsense? and the weirdest part is that we love it, we’re totally into it, i see a chick on instagram with a full head of hair and big liquidy eyes and huge, baby feeding tits and i’m like “yeah, that woman is so hot,” but what makes that hot? why is that attractive?! you’re just a bulbous head with weird googly eyes and dead cells growing out of the back of your head! your tits are literally bags of fat, big fat milk bag that feel your baby, and look let’s not even get started on babies. holy fuck. a parasite that feeds on a woman for nine months and then gets pushed out of the same orifice i put my weird blood-engorged skin flap into. the blood-engorged skin flap doesn’t do anything unless i move it back and forth like a goddamn jackhammer, and then actual, physical goo shoots into an occasionally bloody cavern inside the woman, where it sticks and MAKES A BABY. what the fuck?! what the actual fuck?! everything humankind is is so goddamn weird and gross!

so anyway i tried to de-stress at the waterfront and instead now i’m looking at you like you’re this weird appendaged torso monster. sorry. i’ll get those reports to you by the end of the day. sorry.

By Josh

I'm the guy who owns this site, ya dummy.

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