041: jad

i just wish i had a woman who loved me.
oh, there were plenty, and you let them go. you had women who loved you so much that you didn’t know what to do with it so you let it go. now why did you do that?
i don’t know.
because you don’t like yourself and while you are desperate for contact with a woman, you don’t think you’re worth her time or energy. because the only things you know about are theatre and video games and both of those are extremely boring to talk about and no women like to hear about them. maybe that’s generalized. maybe it’s a bell curve, really. maybe you really aren’t worth anyone’s time. maybe all the shit you do makes men excited which is great i guess for camaraderie but now you don’t know what to do or say that will make women want to be around you. maybe this is it, maybe this is the crux of your entire depression, the fact that you aren’t cool enough to get laid on a regular basis, just casual sex, and the fact that you dwell on it makes it worse and worse, until days like this when your eyelids are brimming with tears at work. maybe that’s it. do you think that’s it?
i mean … is that even a reason to be depressed?
depression’s just a chemical imbalance. anything can make that imbalance happen. anything you do can make you depressed. you just happen to think that your reason is embarrassing and pulls the “confident actor” guy mystique rug out from under you. these people, they don’t know how much of a sad sack you’ve been your whole dumb life. these people here, they like you, they see you as a great person. is that true? are you a great person? remember, the answer to that question will change the chemical composition in your brain.
are you helping me? what are you doing?
i’m your brain, man, i’m not here to help.