hey, i need you to help me out. i need you to take this letter to the king. i know you’re probably wondering why i can’t do it myself, but here’s the deal: i can’t move from this spot. i’ve never been able to move from this spot. think about it. how many times have you spoken to me before now? and how many things have i said to you? three, maybe four different things? i just keep saying the same things, over and over. it’s like … i don’t have anything else to say. i don’t talk to anyone, and no one talks to me except you, and now since you’ve completed some quest i suddenly have this new thing to say to you. why? why now? why is this so important? all i need is for you to take this letter to the king. i don’t even know what it says! it’s just a letter, it’s sealed, i guess, how i physically hand it to you i have no idea. you take it to him and then come back and i’ll give you seven gold pieces as a reward. again, i think you get them, i don’t actually hand them to you because i … don’t … move. look, please believe me, please: i want to take this letter to the king myself but i physically cannot move from this spot. look behind you. you see that guard wandering erratically? first he moves a step right, then up, then he walks to that bush and just stands there, staring at it. god, i wish i could do that. instead i have to wait for someone like to you to come to me. but now that you’re here, god, i’m so glad, i don’t get to talk to any of the other town members. so many of us are stuck in one spot, and others, they just wander around as badly as the town guard. what kind of world is this?! and how did you get this miraculous ability to go as you please, to take whatever quest you want, to get all these big fancy swords? what makes you so special, huh? huh?! if you’re the “chosen one,” or whatever, why can’t you choose to free me from this stationary spot i stand on since time began? i don’t eat, i don’t drink … WHAT AM I?! WHAT IS MY POINT IN LIFE?! to give you a letter?! is that really it? is that really all i’m here for? WHY DON’T YOU TALK TO ME?! YOU’RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS INTERACTED WITH ME AND YOU DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME! WHY?! WHY?! TALK TO ME DAMMIT TALK TO ME! I’D SHAKE YOU RIGHT NOW BUT I CAN’T MOVE MY ARMS.
(long beat)
anyway. here’s the letter. just … take it from me, i guess. i’ll see you after you’ve killed the dragon and saved the kingdom. yeah. bye. don’t … be a stranger.
