009: shari

i mean, you can drink that water if you want to. ah, i’m, i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have said anything. it’s perfectly fine water, the glass has been sitting there for, what, an hour, tops. you should just drink it. i’m not trying to–you already drank it, is all. you’ll be fine. i’ve been waiting for my car to show up and the water was there when i got here, but it looks fine. look at it. did it taste funny? look, i had a glass of water too, alright? i drank a glass too, and it was here when i got here and it was fine. and i’m not dead. right? do i look dead to you? i’m not dead. the water is fine. don’t be a pussy. i can tell you’re thirsty, just drink the rest of the water and you can wait for your car too. i’m telling you, it was here when i got here, i didn’t touch it, and besides, you’ve already had a sip. that’s what you get for being absent-minded. here look at my glass. there’s still some water at the bottom, i’ll drink it right now, okay? see? see, all the drops in my mouth? let me swallow. mm. yes, just water. simple, ordinary water. not even fluoridated! can you believe portland? ridiculous. your water’s fine though, just drink it. come on. drink it. drink the water. now you’re pissing me off. at first i was like whatever but now you’re blatantly not drinking the water–it’s FINE, okay? here goddammit i’ll drink your water.

(goes to drink, stops)

look, i, i don’t want to drink your water. that would be rude. i just got over a cold, a bad headcold, i don’t want to give that to you. but look, i promise you, i’ve been sitting here for an hour and there were two full glasses of water and i drank one of them, just as absent-mindedly as you did–i even thought, “why did i do that? why did i just start drinking water without thinking about where it came from?” but by then i had drank half of it and if it was going to kill me, well, i’d be dead right now. and i’m not. we’ve established that. and all i’m saying is that sometimes you take a risk in life and it ends up paying off. i’m hydrated! i feel great. so now you can be hydrated. that’s another reason, i don’t need any more water because i just drank my own. so go ahead, drink up.

(a very long pause)


(a very long pause. knocks the glass over)

fine. now you don’t get any.

By Josh

I'm the guy who owns this site, ya dummy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *