looking at a job listing for "bowling desk clerk"

Job TitleCashier / Bowling Desk Clerk (JL ID 865478)  Description:

* Age 21 or over to take orders for or serve and sell alcoholic liquor. As opposed to non-alcoholic liquor.
* Minimum 1 year experience as a cashier.
* Effective oral communication skills.
* Skills to work as a team member.
* Skills to provide customer service.
* Strong interpersonal skills.

When are these things NOT a thing that a job requires? “Must be able to work alone, preferably with bowie knife clutched between teeth, in the jungle in Paraguay.”

* Conduct cash management tasks and cash register transactions. AKA USE A CASH REGISTER YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
* Ensure that proper cash management practices are followed by shift team. AKA WE HIRE SOME PRETTY STUPID PEOPLE HERE, DON’T BE THE STUPIDEST.
* Stock, merchandise, rotate, and store inventory according to guidelines. What does this entail? Moving bowling balls from one rack to the other?
*Anticipate customer and store needs by constantly evaluating environment and customer for cues. See, this shit is the kind of shit where the manager takes you into the back room and shows you a video that’s still on a betamax tape because who fucking cares, about “looking for customer cues,” which include but are not limited to: WHEN A CUSTOMER TALKS TO YOU.
* Communicates information to manager so that the team can respond as necessary. The “team,” aka Jeff, the 36 year old pothead still living in his parents basement, who has worked at the alley for ten years because he says he “loves bowling,” but you’ve never seen him bowl once, unless you count smoking a bowl, in which case, he gets a perfect score each time.
* Deliver legendary customer service to all customers and model customer service methods and approaches. Legendary? LEGENDARY? First off, who even brings the word “legendary” anywhere NEAR the word “bowling”? Secondly, look, I understand that you want employees who won’t be assholes, but let’s get something straight here: this is a bowling alley, not a job selling Ferraris to rich Italian dudes with porn star moustaches. Give me a goddamn break.
* Greet and welcome customers. Nope, not gonna do it.
* Discover and respond to customer needs. “Look, ma’am, I couldn’t help overhearing your heated argument with your husband about which is better, tater tots or oral sex, and I’m pretty sure you both need to seek marriage counseling.”
* Execute store operations during scheduled shifts. Execute. What a word. Not “do your job.” EXECUTE. Don’t just do your job: KILL YOUR JOB.
* Perform tasks, ensuring that service and operational needs are met. Why … why does this need to be a bullet point? Perform tasks? Have you seen people who work at bowling alleys? It’s like someone deactivated their “desire to live” chip and threw them to the wolves.
* Follow company policies in assigning and carrying out operational tasks. JUST LIKE CALL OF DUTY, BROS, AMIRITE?
* Organize and perform opening and closing duties as assigned.
* Complete delegated duties. Is this list still going?
* Maintain regular and consistent attendance and punctuality. Again, something that doesn’t need to be here. Of course it’s your duty to be on time. Don’t be a dipshit.
* Provide feedback to store manager on partner performance during shift. AKA rat out your fellow employees who hate their job just as much as you do and are trying to squeeze as much fun out of nothing as possible.
* Recognize and reinforce individual accomplishments. “Steve, great job not getting your head stuck in the ball polishing machine this time! Your head looks fabulous.”
* Develop positive relationships with shift team and contribute to positive team reinforcement. This is just bullshit. You’re requiring me to like people that I’ve never even met before? God damn it I hate being an introvert sometimes.

* Part-time. Because who in their right mind wants to work full time at a bowling alley.
* Swing and night shifts

‘The ideal candidate will have the skills to direct work of others, can learn quickly, can build relationships, remains professional when faced with tough situations, make timely and quality decisions based on wisdom, experience, and company priority, takes personal responsibility for continuous learning of knowledge, and takes pride in work.’

YOU’RE GOING TO HIRE SIXTEEN YEAR OLD HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS FOR FUCK’S SAKE! YOU DON’T NEED ANY OF THIS! You need a kid who doesn’t huff the bowling shoe spray and can count change. THAT’S IT.

LOCATION: Tigard 97223


By Josh

I'm the guy who owns this site, ya dummy.

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