As I was walking home from Fred Meyer with my grocery bag, I happened upon a CD lying in the grass by the new BBQ place by our house. It had one word written on it in iconic black Sharpie: Jose. I walked past, thinking nothing of it, but curiosity got the better of me and I went back and grabbed it. I have since popped it into the DVD player on my computer and am going to talk about its carefully selected tracks right here, right now.
Track 1: Beck – Loser
A solid opener. Everyone knows the opening lick to Loser, everyone knows the chorus (or at least they pretend they do). If I went to a party and some righteous dude popped a mix in and the first song was this song, I’d raise my red plastic cupped beer into the air and shout, “Now THIS is a party!” Hell, I’d do it alone if I had to. Hell, I did it just now, when the song came on after I put the CD in my computer! I … I think I have a problem.
MIX QUALITY: 8/10
Track 2: Craig David – Rise and Fall (acoustic?)
I had no idea who this was. It’s a Sting cover? Who covers Sting? Cover the Police, maybe, but Sting? Does anyone really need to hear a Sting song remixed? Puff Daddy Diddy Diddly Dingo fucked up “Every Breath You Take,” that’s all we need, okay?
Also, as the song went along … I’m pretty sure it’s a loop of just one verse, over and over again. Like whoever put this on the CD grabbed the song from LimeWire, but grabbed one of those crap quality songs that record labels like to upload to peer-to-peer networks. And they were like, “Hey, this song is awesome!” not realizing that it was a loop.
It’s a nice gentle acoustic thing … the worst chaser to a party shot like “Loser.”
MIX QUALITY: 3/10
Track 3: Dave Brubeck – Take Five
… Really? Dave Brubeck? I figured this was a mix CD for driving, but now that has been confirmed. “Loser” pumps you up for the drive, the Craig David song and this song set you into the long drive to Albuquerque. So far this mix is incredibly inconsistent, as the last song was Meh, but this song is great. However, it is also one of those songs you put on a mix to make yourself look cooler to other people. Like you like jazz or something. “Check it out, it’s ‘Take Five’,” you say to a sexy girl, and in her head she’s like, “Ooh, he likes jazz, he must be a sophisticated man,” but ten minutes later you’ve pulled out of the Taco Bell drive thru and he’s already got chalupa stains on his pants. Way to go, lady, you just got the Dave Brubeck Fake Out.
MIX QUALITY: 5/10
Track 4: Golden Earring – Twilight Zone
Now HERE WE GO. From their 1982 album Cut, this and “Radar Love” are probably the most popular Golden Earring songs. In fact, I get the feeling that “Twilight Zone” was put here instead of “Radar Love” (an obviously superior driving song) because the latter song became so popular via Guitar Hero. Or maybe they played the song on Guitar Hero so much, they got sick of it. Either way, this is a great song, and I would personally like to applaud the person who made this CD for having the balls to follow “Take Five” with “Twilight Zone.” It’s like when you’re making love, nice and slow, and then the guy drops it straight into fifth gear and you’re fucking like a couple of rabid wolverines who just saw the season four finale of Breaking Bad.
MIX QUALITY: 9/10 (woulda been 10 if it was “Radar Love”)
Track 5: Some song from Mexico?
Honestly, I’ve never heard this song, and I have no idea how to find out who it is. It’s like a electronic pop song, kind of forgettable to me, probably because I don’t know the words. I feel bad. I feel like I’m letting myself down for not being able to figure out what this song is. I feel like I would get to know Jose better if I knew what it is. Alas, I don’t speak Spanish, so I can’t tell you.
MIX QUALITY: ??/10
Track 6: Moby – We Are All Made of Stars
Augh. Really? Remember when people liked Moby?
MIX QUALITY: 2/10 (seriously people)
Track 7: Phil Collins – In the Air Tonight
This song is classic, and it’s great, but it also sucks, because the best part of the song comes at the end, and then it’s over. Pisses me off. At this point in the mix, though, I’m a little unsure of its placement. That Moby song just needs to not be there. I can’t compare the excellent Phil Collins with Moby. Who could? It’s like comparing apples to oranges made out of shit. Shit oranges. Shoranges. Write that down, you’re gonna need it someday.
Ultimately, Mr Collins loses ground because of the Moby song, and because the buildup of “In the Air Tonight” makes it a tricky song to place in a mix. The song before it has to slow down enough to make this song feasible, and the song after it has to have more oomph. It’s like a roller coaster. I think.
MIX QUALITY: 4/10
Track 8: Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb
Here’s the thing: I don’t like Pink Floyd because I don’t smoke pot or do LSD. Their songs all sound the same to me, slow and lumbering, like an ancient giant made out of angel dust. But I suppose if you were out on the highway, driving a long distance, this song might either synergize you with the road, or make you fall asleep. Whichever you prefer, I suppose.
MIX QUALITY: 4/10
Track 9: Pink Floyd – Hey You
Oh great. We’ve come to the part of the mix where the mixer got tired of mixing the CD. Here’s why:
Track 10: Pink Floyd – The Dogs of War (live)
Track 11: Pink Floyd – Another Brick in the Wall (live)
Total laziness. I didn’t even listen to these because I felt as lazy as they felt when they made this CD.
MIX QUALITY: 1/10 LAZY
Track 12: Smashing Pumpkins – Tonight, Tonight
What a weird track to follow four tracks of Pink Floyd. It’s like the mixer deliberately wanted Jose to listen to this while driving and eventually fall asleep, so they could be jarred awake with the opening strings of “Tonight, Tonight.” Are you trying to get Jose killed? You are a terrible person.
Good song, though, and a nice 90s nostalgia trip on a mix CD.
MIX QUALITY: 7/10
Track 13: South FM – Dear Claudia
Didn’t listen to it because it SUCKED.
MIX QUALITY: 1/10
Track 14: The Doors – Love Me Two Times
What an awful closer. What an awful band! When will people realize how awful the Doors were? I’m disappointed. I ejected the CD and promptly flung it out the window. I going to suspect that Jose “dropped” this CD for the same reason I threw it out: because, ultimately, it sucks.
MIX QUALITY: 1/10
TOTAL MIX QUALITY: AWFUL
Way to ruin my night, mix CD.
