This shit goes in Tumblr because if my girlfriend found out about this she would have one of those “silent fits.” And I don’t mean a seizure, people, I mean she would not like it but wouldn’t say anything. Eventually we would talk and she would be “disappointed,” and there’s nothing more devastating than when your significant other is disappointed in you. However! I am a Free Man in a Free Country, and so…
Today I ate my first Big Mac ever, in my lifetime! HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT IT.
1. From the commercials, I always imagined Big Macs to be, well, Big. They’re called Big Macs, after all, not Wee Macs. Do they have Wee Macs? They should. Maybe in Scotland. THEY SHOULD MAKE SLIDERS AND CALL THEM WEE MACS. Anyway, my Big Mac was tiny. I don’t know why, but it made me think of fast food for faeries. My Big Mac was magical in that sense, I guess. But I just imagine a dainty faerie princess opening up her cardboard Big Mac box and receiving this tiny cheeseburger gift.
What I’m saying is that it was small.
2. However! It looked really good. I mean it was aesthetically pleasing. You know how you go to a fast food joint and you see a picture of the Baconator up on the menu, and it looks like something Zeus would eat, right? Like he sits up on his cloud and chows down on this intrinsically beautiful Baconator, with a bolt of lightning in his other hand. Are you picturing this like I’m picturing this? Doesn’t it look awesome? Zeus, man, he probably was a Carl’s Jr kind of guy. But then you get the Baconator and it looks like a neckbeard sat on it for an hour while he played World of Warcraft. There’s three strips of bacon on it and one of those strips is actually a comb. You’re like, what the fuck?
My point is, my Big Mac looked good on the outside. I did, however, make the mistake of opening the burger to check if there were tomatoes inside, because I hate tomatoes. There were no tomatoes, but there were two pieces of what I’m pretty sure was some kind of gray protein molded into a patty shape. I can’t be sure. And there were flecks of black stuff that was either pepper or a Hispanic man’s beard trimmings. A couple of sad pickles, a slice of American Cheese Substance. Shredded lettuce, which is always a bad idea. Has anything ever good come from shredded lettuce? Fuck that stuff. On the other hand, fuck Wendy’s with their Gargantuan Sized lettuce leafs, which are usually 10x bigger than the goddamn meat. And some vaguely salmon-colored sauce with chunks of oh jesus I don’t know.
But it looked good on the outside!
3. Okay, what’s the goddamn deal with the middle piece of bread? Surely it is there to Embiggen the Mac. Without the bread it would be a Mac. But with a toasted piece of bread in the middle, suddenly it’s twice as big. Which is still magically tiny, as I have already observed. But while eating the Big Mac, the middle piece of bread kept sliding out. I — you know, I must have the worst burger eating habits. I always got my burger sliding out from the buns, and then I have to push it back in. (That’s what she said, I know. She’s weird.) This happens all the time. Is this supposed to happen? Well now it’s the bread. It’s the damn bread now. Bread sliding out of burgers. Who would’ve thought, in this day and age.
4. How did it taste? Eh. It wasn’t terrible. The sauce was actually pretty good. The whole thing didn’t make me want to kill myself, but it also didn’t make me want to write a sonata, so there you go. I haven’t had explosive diarrhea yet, but I expect it to come in the next hour or so. I’ll keep you updated.
I also had fries and I must say, first, that McDonald’s fries aren’t that great. I think Wendy’s beats them now. But also, McDonald’s ketchup tastes like a fake ketchup perhaps made for, I don’t know, robots. Robots who have never tasted good ketchup. They’ll take it! They don’t know any better. But don’t you dare give robots good ketchup, because they will process it and never want McDonald’s ketchup ever again. “THIS IS INFERIOR,” they will say, and zap you with their laser guns. This will happen, I swear it’s in the Bible somewhere.
Anyway, that’s my Big Mac story. I wish I could eat more fast food, cause shitty fast food is a lot more fun to write about than good food.