Look, domesticated cats have been around for thousands of years. You can trace them back to the Egyptians. So I’m just going to blame the Egyptians for giving us cats. Because without cats, I would get a decent night’s sleep.
This morning, my girlfriend discovered why she was having such difficulty sleeping. “I think it’s the dogs across the street,” she said. “They’re always barking, and since we have the window open, I can hear them and they wake me up.”
I would say the same thing, but I’m too busy being woken up by my damn cat every two hours. She jumps beside me on the bed and meows me awake, and if I don’t respond to her, she walks on my chest and stands there like she own the goddamn place.
See, she’s kind of spoiled. She likes to sleep under the covers. Typically, when Kait and I sleep, she goes under, starts pawing the fitted bedsheet like she’s making a nest, and then flops onto her side or even her back, waiting for us to pet her and tell her she’s cute. She knows this. She KNOWS. And then we pet her and go to sleep. This is when she escapes from under the covers and starts running around, chasing things, and generally fucking around. Why she chooses this time, I have no idea. But eventually she wears herself out and she comes back up to sleep. Now, she sleeps OVER the covers. Don’t ask me why.
She also likes to sleep nestled between either my girlfriend or my legs. Like, if I’m laying on my back and my legs are parted, even a little bit, she nestles up in between them, probably because it’s warm and comforting. But for me it means I cannot change my position in the bed. Ever, unless she moves or I move her, and if I move her I feel like a dick.
Then, before it’s even light outside, she jumps on the bed and meows in my face. How do I placate you, Jowers? What do I do? Do you want food? Attention? What magical incantation shouldst I speak to allow thee the peace thou requirest?
Animal behaviorists say you can’t give the animals the attention they seek in situations like this because then they’ll always seek it. But how can you not give attention to a cat that is meowing in your face? Ignore it? What if I ignore it and one morning she meows and I don’t hear because I’ve ignored it so much that I sleep through it, only this time she’s meowing because the goddamn house is on fire, and she’s warning me but nothing will wake me from my sweet reverie, and I die in a house fire?!
I guess I’ll just be sleepy all day, then. :