SCENE: A meeting room at Frito Lay headquarters
Frito Lay Exec 1: Alright, thank you all for coming. We’ve got a brand new product we want to sell, called Munchies. We think it’s going to be really amazing. See, the object of Munchies is to have three or four different snacks from the Frito Lay brand inside one bag!
FL Exec 2: Impossible!
FL Exec 3: Can’t be done!
FL Exec 4: You’re damning us all!
FL Exec 1: No, it can be done, and we’re going to do it tonight! All we need to do is determine which products will go into our flagship flavor, “Cheese Fix.”
FL Exec 2: Ooh, “Cheese Fix.” I like it.
FL Exec 3: It makes it sound like people are addicted … to cheese!
FL Exec 4: THAT IS A SERIOUS HEALTH CONCERN.
FL Exec 1: Gentlemen! I need ideas!
FL Exec 2: I know! We put a block of cheese in the bag!
FL Exec 3: I like it! I like cheese and I like that idea!
FL Exec 4: My stomach hurts!
FL Exec 1: Gentlemen, I mean, I need ideas of delicious Frito Lay products that we can put in our Cheese Fix flavored bag of Munchies.
Okay, I’ll begin with a question: What is the most cheesiest brand we own?
FL Exec 2: That’s not a block of cheese?
FL Exec 1: No, we don’t produce cheese.
FL Exec 2: I’m stumped.
FL Exec 3: Do you mean “cheesiest” as in “a block of cheese,” or “cheesiest” as in “like that music you hear in elevators”?
FL Exec 1: Neither of those, actually.
FL Exec 4: What kind of bag are we talking about here?
FL Exec 1: … CHEETOS! Cheetos are our cheesiest brand to date.
FL Exec 2: Oh, yes! They are dangerously cheesy!
FL Exec 1: Exactly!
FL Exec 3: My grandpa loved Cheetos, and then he ate too many and had a cheese overdose and died!
FL Exec 1: What?
FL Exec 3: It was actually heart disease.
FL Exec 1: Okay, guys, please, let’s keep on track here–
FL Exec 4: Puffy Cheetos kind of look like penises.
FL Exec 1: Cheetos are like the anchor to our Cheese Fix brand, but we need a couple more snacks to put in the bag. So: what is another cheese brand we could use?
FL Exec 2: Tillamook!
FL Exec 1: Tillamook is not a Frito Lay brand.
FL Exec 2: Awww, man.
FL Exec 3 [points to FL Exec 4]: I think he’s bleeding.
FL Exec 4: It’s just ketchup.
FL Exec 3: It’s pumping out of your neck!
FL Exec 4: I HAVE A WEIRD CIRCULATORY SYSTEM
FL Exec 1: ALRIGHT, let’s just skip ahead. I wanted you to all look like you had a part in this creation process, but really I just came up with everything myself.
FL Exec 2: Brilliant!
FL Exec 1: So the Cheese Fix flavor of Munchies will have Cheetos, Doritos, and Sun Chips.
FL Exec 3: I love Sun Chips!
FL Exec 4: Did you know that Sun Chips are harvested using the power of the sun itself?
FL Exec 1: It’s true! Actually, it’s a funny–
FL Exec 4: Every month, a harvester ship is sent to the sun, where it sits in geosynchronous orbit for three days, sending specially made space buckets to gather the plasma from the surface–
FL Exec 1: That’s not true!
FL Exec 4: SHOW ME THE PROOF
FL Exec 1: Okay, skipping ahead, we have three brands to use in our Cheese Mix, but it just isn’t enough. We need one more.
FL Exec 2: Double the Cheetos?
FL Exec 1: That’s not what I mean.
FL Exec 3: What if we had a Cheetos-exclusive brand of Munchies?
FL Exec 4: Just Cheetos! I love it!
FL Exec 1: That’s just a bag of Cheetos!
FL Exec 3: No, but it has all the different kinds of Cheetos in one bag!
FL Exec 2: I really like what this guy is talking about over here.
FL Exec 1: That may be a great idea–
FL Exec 3: I’m on the phone with Chester Cheetah right now.
FL Exec 1: BUT we’re not in a Cheetos exclusive meeting! This is about Munchies! I need one more brand–
FL Exec 3: Hello, Chester? Yes! It’s Tad. Good to hear from you again.
FL Exec 4: I can’t believe he got on the phone with Chester Cheetah.
FL Exec 2: I know! I’m jealous.
FL Exec 1: You guys? Please? One more brand!
FL Exec 3: When? Right now? Emergency meeting?! We’re on our way! [to everyone] We’ve been called to an emergency Cheetos meeting with Chester himself!
FL Exec 1: What? That’s … he’s a CARTOON!
FL Exec 3: No time to debate that, we’ve got to jet!
FL Exec 2 [to Exec 1]: Thanks for the water!
FL Exec 4: CHEEEETOOOOOSSSSS!
[the other execs exit. beat. then, Rold Gold Guy meekly enters.]
Rold Gold Guy: Um, excuse me.
FL Exec 1: What? Who are you?
Rold Gold Guy: I’m the Rold Gold Guy.
FL Exec 1: Oh, Jesus Christ, not you. Don’t you have something better to do than interrupt my meeting?
Rold Gold Guy: Your meeting seems to be over…
FL Exec 1: What do you want?
Rold Gold Guy: Oh, I just overheard you talking about Munchies … great idea, by the way … and … well …
FL Exec 1: GET ON WITH IT!
Rold Gold Guy: I thought maybe … you could put some of my delicious pretzels in your bag of Munchies. Is all.
FL Exec 1: But your pretzels aren’t cheesy.
Rold Gold Guy: …
FL Exec 1: Your pretzels aren’t cheesy–
Rold Gold Guy: They could be! They could be cheesy!
FL Exec 1: How?
Rold Gold Guy: Could we borrow some of your cheese-infusing equipment?
FL Exec 1: No you can’t borrow our equipment! Get out of here! I’m sick of you plodding around, asking people if they want a pretzel! Pretzels are disgusing!
Rold Gold Guy: What? How dare you!
FL Exec 1: The only people who like pretzels are drunks!
Rold Gold Guy: Not true!
FL Exec 1: It is! Get out of here!
[RGG pulls out a gun]
Rold Gold Guy: You shut your mouth! I’m sick of you Frito Lay bigwigs shitting on me and my delicious pretzels!
FL Exec 1: Whoa, hey–
Rold Gold Guy: Shut up! You shut up! Now, you’re gonna put my scrumptious pretzels in your Munchies mix, or I am going to SHOVE a bag of pretzels up your ass! Do you hear me?!
FL Exec 1: But … people don’t like pretzels…
Rold Gold Guy: PEOPLE LOVE PRETZELS! [cocks gun]
FL Exec 1: Fine! Fine! Pretzels in Munchies! Whatever you want! Just please don’t kill me!
Rold Gold Guy: Oh, I wasn’t going to kill you. This gun only shoots pretzels.
FL Exec 1: What?
[RGG shoots a pretzel at FL Exec]
FL Exec 1: Oh god!
Rold Gold Guy: Yeah. It’s made out of pretzels, too.
[RGG throws the gun at FL Exec]
Rold Gold Guy: Catch you later!
[FL Exec stands, holding the pretzel gun. He puts the gun to his temple and pulls the trigger. A pretzel bonks him in the head]