Look, I won’t begin this blog by saying I’m sorry for not updating my blog as much as I should. There is no set time for blog posts; rather, there is a set time for human concentration, when people will hang around before they realize nothing’s going on, and then leave. I write posts for people, and if there are no people, then what is the point of writing?
This past couple of years have been eye opening in a lot of ways. I’m surprised, first and foremost, at how easy it is to go from having 12 to 14 hour days of rehearsal, study, and exercise, to 8 hours of work and then nothing. Well, nothing is not exactly true. I do things. And lately I have finally been doing things to better my situation — I am going to graduate school at Portland State University this fall. Yes. Graduate school. Finally. Two years attempting to secure a Masters of Science in Theatre Arts. “Science?” you ask. “What about a Master of Arts?” Well, according to PSU, an MA is more for literary people, while an MS is more for actors and performers. I’m going that route. My ultimate goal is to get an MFA in Theatre somewhere else, after I get the MS. I just need a boost. I feel like everything I’ve learned at BSU is sloughing off of me like dead skin. The cores are there, but I’m not strong, I’ve lost my slim physique, I can’t concentrate like I used to. I don’t know if that’s from working like a Normal Person or what.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my sedentary lifestyle, my lack of serious goals or ambitions. The past two years have been spent trying desperately to enjoy something that I enjoyed doing already. Music has waned to almost nonexistence. Those stories are dead. I don’t write nearly as much as I used to. Twitter has sapped me of my expanded ideas — everything must be put within 140 characters or else no one will read it. This is a truth that has yet to really sink in on the world, but it’s true.
The things that I want to do — podcasting, acting, general performance-related things — are excited in my brain, but numb in my actions. Aside from pursuing grad school and being in the ensemble of an upcoming Romeo & Juliet set at Milepost 5 (which just so happens to be a few blocks from my house), I haven’t done shit. Ideas flick by me but never settle, probably because they understand that I’m not in a place to actually utilize these ideas. I grab bits and pieces but my body and my mind know that this is not a good time to focus on that sort of thing. I have other, bigger things to focus on, like health and happiness, things that will beget ideas and creativity. Taking care of yourself is rewarded, I promise.
Well, okay, that’s not entirely true. Pursuit of passion, I suppose, will be rewarded. Ernest Hemingway wasn’t very happy but he wrote some (arguably) good books[1. I say arguably because I hate them, though to be fair I haven’t really read them, though I haven’t read them because I can’t stand his repetitive staccato style of prose.]. Beethoven apparently was a huge curmudgeon but he wrote some amazing music. It seems that people generally aren’t happy when they’re doing their best work. Or they’re on drugs. Maybe I should just get some drugs. I’d live a shorter life but I’d have some good material, yeah?
It’s May, it’s less than a week till my birthday, I’m going to be twenty-eight, and I am going to use this summer. I am going to take vacations and use my time to create things. Fall and winter can be so devastating in this stupid town. It’s really more than just the constant gray. In Idaho, we have weeks of inversion, where the cloud cover dipped down into the valley, making the cities thick with fog and a gross smell of industry. I remember these inversions clearly (so to speak), and never did I feel as depressed as I have during the months of rain and gray of Portland.
I have guaranteed myself two more years of living here[2. Unless the graduate program here sucks, in which case, GOODBYE PORTLAND, HELLO LOS ANGELES.], and then I’m off to an MFA program or something. Who the hell knows. I’d like to write a book. I’d love to finish the Quake Saga. I love acting, I want to continue doing that. I also like recording and making podcasts. There’s all kinds of avenues and I’m just sitting here twiddling my thumbs, expecting things to happen to me or for me. That’s just got to stop. It’s time to stop worrying about the overcast Portland sky, and to start Getting Shit Done.
I say this a lot, but I realize now that it should be more of a mantra than a one time thing. Keep saying it. Get Shit Done. Get Shit Done. Get Shit Done. Then maybe it actually will get done.