Dear Food Items with “Hint of Salt” Emblazoned On Their Packaging,
It appears we have come to an impasse. You, dear food item, have had a transcendental realization: that you may have too much salt in or on you. I have come to a similar realization: that I, too, may have too much salt in or on me. Thus, we both enter introspective negotiations, you, with your earnest decision to reduce your sodium, and me, with my acknowledgment of, well, gout, I suppose. And kidney stones? Is that how that works?
Either way, here we currently sit, Food Item, confused and frightened, desperately wanting to hold each other but at the same time worried, anxious, maybe a little depressed. Maybe a little … let down. People, people add salt to everything, right? They add salt to already salty things. They would sprinkle salt on a salt lick for chrissakes if it was being licked by horses, with their disgusting germy horse tongues. But here you are, removed of all but a simple touch of salt. And here I am, ready to head down a terrible path, a path wherein “pass the salt” becomes a taboo as dire as Japanese pubic hair.
What do we do? Do I eat you? I am afraid, but curious. Do things taste the same with less salt? How would we know? We are a gluttonous country; when we eat Chinese food, it is not truly the food that Chinese people eat, and they know it, and we know it, and they put MSG in it because they know we are addicted to MSG. There are some things that taste good without salt, to me at least: corn on the cob. Potatoes. Ice cream. However, if you put salt on them — copious, copious amounts of salt, maybe some butter, sour cream, a dollop of lard — they leave the mortal plane of Food and enter the astral plane of Delicious. Not the ice cream though. Let’s leave ice cream out of this. I’m sorry I even brought it up.
The point being, I just ate a sleeve of you, specifically Ritz crackers with a “hint of salt,” and let me say — no. You don’t taste like Ritz. You taste like Shitz. YES I WENT THERE. I went there and I built a hammock, and now I’m resting and wearing sunglasses there. But really. Really? I’ve had the Lays potato chips with a hint of salt, and you know what? They taste great! They taste BETTER than the original Lays. I don’t feel like my taste buds have been scraped off when I eat the hint of salt Lays. But these Ritz! Why? I have three more sleeves to eat! And I will eat them, oh yes, but why? Why do you taste so wrong?
Also afterwards I went to lunch at the Greek deli and ate really salty french fries. Will I ever learn?