138: the history of a nervous path (fawm 2016)

i’m overcompensating i can tell
to all these people i don’t know so well
when i’m around you it’s a whole different story
about a man who doesn’t feel like a phony

i took a valium so i could seem
all put together like a human being
my skin was crawling i kept on calling
and by the end i was buh buh buh bawling

find me a nook in your heart
remind me that i’m not crazy
no one will ever find out
the steps i took to leave the house

sending my food order back
tripping on the tipping math
you just bought majority shares
in the history of a nervous path

pull my leg to find me in fresh air
at the mall and i’m pulling out my hair
i took a chance because i need you beside me
even if that means i’m stuck in a macy’s

fluorescent lights nick my pallid skin
can’t remember when i last breathed in
i’m feeling dizzy this place is busy
find me a bench and something fuh fuh fuh fizzy

i know i’m crushing your day
sadly you see me sighing
can’t comprehend what i say
i’m doing all i can to drive you away

never once answer my phone
twenty steps to take a bath
you just bought majority shares
in the history of a nervous path

so many fish in the sea
why did you choo choo choose me
i’m just a bag of nervous e e energy y y
sleep til the sunset’s over
spend the night seeking closure
finding no answers here
nobody knows the answers here
another day disappears
and i’m just as foggy as before

134: i’m remembering (fawm 2016)

i popped this existential pimple
let the pus drain through my brain
spent all summer searching for a symbol
made to resemble a paper plane

coasting through my memories
with language on its wings
it landed on the only spot
whereupon my sadness clings

unfurled like a wellworn ship’s sail
and fraught with boolean strings
recited all, but destined to fall
i’m trying hard to keep my senses

i’m remembering
it feels a little hazy
but i’m remembering
a time when i implied
i’m not doing fine
infer what you will
but i’m holding still
i’m remembering

i squint my eyes hard in the sunlight
and reminisce alone
while crows parade around my chimney
always boasting about how far they’ve flown

what can reply? i think
there’s nothing to compare
now stuck in vacant introspection
i’m reflecting to thin air

and prying through these stubborn neurons
hoping for a little tease
of something i have done in the past
i am trying hard to keep my senses

chorus

and i may be old, i may be wise
but my faculties aren’t wired
like they used to be, i swear
i’ll have my supervisor fired
for this gross negligence
oh wait that’s me, i forgot
i hope i won’t forget that next time
wait … forget what

i call the number on my bracelet
just so i can hear a voice
remind me what i’m doing in my home
like i even have a choice

these days i wander through my mind
like a hiker in the spring
always trudging ever upwards
wond’ring what view the peak will bring

and every time i see the faces
of my family in the clouds
i call their names with so much love
i am trying hard to keep my senses

130: cut it unborn (fawm 2016)

i’ve got a feeling deep inside
and it’s bubbling up
gotta stitch myself together
or i’m gonna go nuts
if you wanna hear me cry
just step in the queue
i’ve got tear ducts that mack trucks
could drive right through

like a zygote in your belly
splitting rapidly
hope this feeling doesn’t put me through
agony

cut it unborn

there’s a 6/8 shuffle
in the back of my head
it’s the incessant pounding
that’ll knock me dead
i’ve got a bellyache
like a bellyacher should
you built a pyre round me baby
and i supplied the wood

like a virus that has entered
a healthy cell
i’ve got bad superstition
like a warning bell

cut it unborn

i took a potion
i swallowed it down
tried to eliminate
this nasty-ass frown
it worked for a moment
but when i awoke
whatever i was feeling
went from specific to a broad stroke

now i’m casing the city
looking for a cure
someone to hold my hand
to make me feel pure

cut it unborn

129: my sophisticated feast square (fawm 2016)

dim the lights it’s 2525
and the human race is glad to be alive
after the bombs fell
and nearly killed us

gather round and open your iron lungs
pick from packages green blue or brown
set it right on your stomach
and thank god for

my sophisticated feast square
all the nutrients i need are in there
my sophisticated feast square
i have no teeth
i have no hair

try to keep from making a single sound
there are too many bandits running around
and they’ve got the weapons
so keep it quiet

here’s a straw to suck down your pasty mush
you’ve got all day you don’t need to rush
enjoy all the flavors
and thank god for

chorus

your ancestors once ate real food
that they grew out of the ground
but the desert is a wasteland
and there’s not a single plant to be found
you’re the endpoint of a bad day
try not to make that your only takeaway
soon these squares will not be enough
and you’ll pass away just like everyone else does!

settle back you’re in for an awful trip
keep the bubbles out of your iv drip
try not to panic
it’s just existence

think about the future you’d like to lead
one where actual produce is used to feed
all of the people
but until then
thank god for!

chorus

128: you touch me (fawm 2016)

i came alive
when you pulled my strings
you held me up
and we danced to everything
we kissed and all
my worries melted
i missed the softness
of your lips

these moonlit skies
never looked so starry
til i saw them in
reflections in your eyes
keep your cheek
close to my chest
let me feel you breathing
on my neck

you touch me
and i feel starlight in my veins
swirled around
and on my tongue what remains
i speak to you
with love and understanding
you touch me
and i find life less demanding

please find my voice
among these passing strangers
and hold it above
for it is tuned to angels
and it can
feel your wingspan growing
i sing
to soothe your troubled heart

these are the words
written on lined paper
that i put to chords
and i sang to woo you
i hope
our hearts define collusion
let’s start
with all the love divine

i was waiting for this moment
sleeping in my own mistakes
hoping one day i would wake up
next to someone who’d ease my heartache

127: answering the public (fawm 2016)

i took a step up to the podium
i cleared my throat into the microphone
everybody raised their eyes at me
as if they’d already known

i made a statement
i took some questions
i answered some and i left some open
i thanked my wife
and i thanked god
but most of all i thanked my cpa
for
fudging the numbers
hiding the stats
throwing my money
into a laundromat
taking my alibi
and making it stick
now here i am
answering the public

all these cameras keep on chasing me
all these people don’t buy my line
they think that i’m a big old phony
they think that jail is where i
should spend my time

i told them something
they want to hear
got home, laid in bed and
nursed my beer
in my head i thanked
a corrupt system
but most of all i thanked my lawyer
for
preparing a statement
taking my bribes
showing the courtroom
that i’m a real good guy
drinking my whiskey
and being a prick
now here i am
answering the public

inst

no one i know can ever touch me
no onw i know has got the joie de vivre
i’ve built my mansion on their bodies
i caught their accusations on my sleeve

if you were worried
well here’s the thing
you’re just a pauper
while i’m the king
i took your money
and thanked you too
but most of all i thanked
my goddamn self
for
scamming the system
devising the scheme
turning your sadness
into a fucking meme
living the good life
and taking my pick
cause now here i am
answering the public

121: what knows the pageant (fawm 2016)

surveys the crowd
the only place she feels safe
the lights and the sound
her bodice it starts to chafe
imagines the crown
placed on her head
when they said

what knows the pageant

standing outside
trying to light a smoke
shivering hard
her jacket slung like a cloak
stung like a bee
she finds her words
before all the girls
are culled in herds
she needs words

what knows the pageant

the other 49 seem calm
(like the end of a broken record)
they’ve got the judges in their palm
(and hearts rendered out of cardboard)
she feels nothing in her chest
(but a brand of insipid feelings)
fakes a smile when she’s addressed
(but the lights have her reeling)
the announcer speaks
in all bass, no treble
his question a mess
but she looks so good in her dress

what knows the pageant

surveys the crowd
the only place she feels safe
the lights and the sound
her bodice it starts to chafe
imagines the crown
placed on her head
if only she remembered
what she said…

what knows the pageant

120: ohio hurts an america thought (fawm 2016)

everyone’s talking out their ass today
gotta find a new group of friends
eighteen, stuck in the middle of nowhere
akron, ohio!

myriad of hours to while away
working at the lonely hardees
on the east side
taking smoke breaks in the parking lot
and not just tobacco!

pack my aging backpack to the brim
board the train heading west
watch the sun streak by in an empty sky
i am longing for a new life
longing for one
let me go

might as well go to university
smack dab in the middle of town
21 and i’m a freshman in
akron ohio!

studying business like the bourgeoisie
working mornings at the einstein brothers bagels
i’ll never see a coast on either side
no matter what i do

jab my thumb out onto the interstate
hope i’ll hook a ride to portland
maine or oregon i don’t care
i’m just longing for a new life
longing for one
help me go

all these years i thought
i could run away
but i’m stuck in the middle
felt my roots grow deep
i keep losing sleep
i am grasping for a new life
grasping for one
let me go

standing knee deep in a mortgage
wife kids and a couple of dogs
55 and finding peace here in
akron ohio!

tryina loosen all this baggage
take a couple swings at the brookledge golf course
my handicap is high but i’m alive
in akron ohio!

119: in altars (fawm 2016)

[February is February Album Writing Month, or FAWM. I’ve thus been focused more on lyrics than monologues. But the hell with it, I’ll just post my lyrics like monologues, kill two birds with one stone. Just think of it as musical theater.]

take solace in the fact
that you’re a sliver in the universe
that you’re taking up a tiny little spot
as the virus on an atom called earth

so ruthless your attack
trying so hard to destroy this nucleus
but no matter the tonnage of the bomb
you’ll never move on
you’ll never find out
if this was ever worth it

so descending to your knees
tendrils searching for an answer
from above
crying out for divine love
for someone to tell you why

in altars you describe
how the land was formed by omni hands
how the life was given gentle breath
how you owe your soul to the one above

but something doesn’t jibe
you’ve scanned the yellowed pages for connection
rubbed your fingers over tiny fonts
wondered how small the smallest thing could be?

pressed your palms together thus
formed the question of the meaning of us
the shiver in your breath
but nothing left
from the heavens to discuss
now your parish wants to know
what you learned up in the mountaintop glow
there’s a hollowness inside
no answer coincides
and there’s no wisdom to bestow…

in altars came the pain
told the nonbelievers what they want to hear
kept the crusade as defense against affront
while you studied secretly the smallest things

your responses were to feign
and pretend that something out there loved us all
but in darkened rooms the tears would always fall
as you reconciled your existential angst

when you looked up at the stars
to distract yourself from numerous wars
fought for an abstract cause
you pause
and mourn the death of scores and scores
your just god never spoke
your consciousness never awoke
to the sound of the praying mass
you cast aside the belief
with a sigh of relief

take solace in the fact
that you’re a sliver in the universe
that you’re taking up a tiny little spot
as the virus on an atom called earth

117: alphabet with nothin (fawm 2016)

you’re always talking in complete sentences
but i still wonder what you’re saying
you’re speaking in an alphabet with nothin
but gutteral parlance
and not as much conveying
it’s hard to form a bond
when it’s impossible to respond
so won’t you help me out
and start speaking english baby

sometimes when you make the bed i’m seething
cause who cares if a bed is made
it’s not like the rest of our life looks perfect
the bed’s just a place where we get laid
the mess is where i thrive
it reminds me that i’m alive
so won’t you help me out
and leave all that shit alone

pancakes are a sucker’s breakfast i swear
they just fill you up too fast
sausage and a waffle, two eggs, hashbrowns
now there is a meal that’s built to last
so here’s where i went wrong
you were my pancakes all along
so won’t you help me out
and be better breakfast baby

judy heard your mother say that one day
you’d die in a burning building
seems a little harsh in hindsight
though at the time i agreed with everything
and i would start the fire
yeah i’d build the biggest pyre
so won’t you help me out
and give me a reason not to

nothing is as good as you think it is
it’s all just a goddamn shitpile
take a step away from facebook
see how your clothes make you look so juvenile
life has no meaning
we’re all gonna die
so won’t you help me out
and die first!

la la la la