227: johnny (ted & johnny)

the problem with drunks is that they’re drunks. they have no nuance. you ask them how their day is and they tell you about the last time they were drunk. which was last night. they don’t mention how they’re drunk now, of course. but they are. that’s all they are. people are simple, i mean, yeah, i said there’s no nuance, but there’s no nuance with anybody. we’re all simple. this idea that we’re complex creatures, that’s just an act. we just want food and sex, and everything we do all dials back to that. so ted, he drinks, and he started drinking because he was trying to get laid. the two of us, i’m the actor, right, so i’ve got all the bravado. we’d go to high school parties together–i’m the senior, he’s the sophomore–and i’d be talking to two, three girls, and i’m just sizing them up, you know, trying to figure out which one i want to sleep with. and teddy … well he’s in the corner, fuming, because he doesn’t have that gift. so instead he drinks, and he drinks, and soon he’s as blotto as dad and now’s his big chance to talk to women. except instead of flirting, he’s just expelling garbage from his mouth. he’s an embarrassment. and of course i have to save his ass, so i take him outside to sober up. in other words, he’s a huge cockblock. now i did this several times–i did this every time he and i were at a party together, in fact, from high school on to college. i realized i got laid more often when i didn’t go to parties with him. because i couldn’t ignore him, you know what i mean? he’s my brother. but he stopped being invited to stuff. i feel bad. he went from a social drunk to an introverted drunk, which only made his alcoholism worse. i’d come home–we lived together in college–i’d come home and he’d be in his bedroom, passed out, or in the bathroom, puking, or passed out. his liver’s gotta be shot by now. i’m surprised he’s not dead…

so, i mean, that’s ted. that’s who he is. not a lot of nuance there. if you’re asking me what his hobbies are, i’d say, “drinking.” he gets disability because his left leg’s a little shorter than his right and when they tried to fix it when he was a kid, they screwed it up, so his left leg’s weak. he gets disability for that. kept him out of kuwait too. plenty of time to sit on his ass and drink fifths of vodka. but if you’re asking me for anything deeper than that, i can’t give you anything, because there’s not anything there. his life is a tower of booze.

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