so, thank you for all coming to this meeting, i know it’s impromptu but you all seem clueless to what i’m about to reveal, so it was important for us to hash this out. but first i just want to speak, so please, you know, let me speak.
five minutes ago i went into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. i opened up the fridge to get the mayonnaise, and inside the fridge, on the center shelf, is a huge pile of shit. a literal pile of feces. it looks human. i mean, it looks big enough to be human. i haven’t been in the kitchen until just now so i don’t know where it came from or who shat it or how long it’s been in there. but it looks … solid. like whoever shat it looks like they ate some fiber recently, okay? that’s good. i applaud the mystery shitter for that. now, before anyone says anything, i just want to note that as of this meeting, this is the fifth time i have found shit in a weird part of the house. you’ll remember the first time was in the washer. i found this out the hard way, after i washed my clothes and they came back covered in shit water. the second time, in the garbage bin, the third time was in the mailbox, the fucking mailbox, after the mailman dropped off the mail, and then the fourth time, the most absurd, was in the top toilet bowl water containment thing. the tank. now jeremy has told me that this is called an “upper decker” and that’s disgusting that it has a name. but now the fridge. the precious fridge.
five random shits in this house. and four people in this house. this is unacceptable, we all know this. it’s gross. especially in the fridge! that’s where the food is! why would anyone shit in the fridge? or more likely, shit somewhere else and put it in the fridge–this is my point, people. it wasn’t just sleep-shitting. it was a directed attack. a shit happened somewhere and then was placed in the mailbox, placed in the fridge. the garbage and the toilet tank, you could’ve just crapped right in there, but those others were premeditated. but why? and which one of you would stoop that low? jeremy you’re a frontrunner because you’re basically an alcoholic, and i wouldn’t put it past you to shit in a drunken haze. and yet … drunk shits are usually kind of runny. alice you’re vegan so i assume your shits are like perfectly preserved cylinders of waste devoid of all water, and these, these shits are kind of messy, like, kind of … wet. ugh. gwen … gwen you’re barely in the house. so that leaves lorenzo. lorenzo, are you the mystery shitter? before you answer please understand that we will never hold this against you. things happen. maybe not five different times, but they happen.
and lastly i know what you’re thinking–“what about julie? maybe julie took shits in five different places?” well i didn’t want to make this public but i have IBS and it would be impossible for me to make shits that good looking. i’m genuinely impressed by them. i almost want to rethink alice in this because i don’t know maybe she has slightly moist shits. the important thing is it is not me because every time i use the toilet it’s like a hurricane blew through when i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m sorry i had to provide that mental image to you. but it’s important that we cut out all the innocent people from this accusation. lorenzo, i think everyone in here wants to know: what does your shit look like.