212: josh (birthday thoughts)

it’s my birthday, and i am being kicked out of my house. not a fault of mine or my other roommates, simply the nature of the rental market in portland lately. not feasible to rent for the price we were getting, in this part of town. we’re on the cusp between portland and “east portland,” aka the boonies or the hundreds, the part of town separated by i-205, sandwiched between the portland everyone wants and gresham, the town nobody wants. (until portland swallows it up, like it swallowed up east portland.)

i am single. i am always single. lately it has been a self-appointed quarantine as my mind mellows out from a couple years of particularly nasty depression, the kind that solidifies you to your seat in dark rooms, that injects your brain with novocaine until the only thing that brings you joy is base vices–sex, food, alcohol. now that my feelings are returning i have surges of desire for love and companionship, coupled with regret at turning away loves in the past, because i was afraid, because i was tired, because i was numb. at various moments i tried to explain it through the internet, but it never was the same, and it felt embarrassing, and i felt broken, damaged goods, a burden to mankind. so i just kept quiet.

i feel better, if you’re wondering. i have a therapist that i finally had the guts to talk about it to, and i started taking vitamin d supplements, which, though i am not convinced work beyond a placebo effect. but sometimes that’s all you need, just the secret mental agreement that you are going to take care of yourself. your body will thank you for it, trust me.

so, it’s my birthday, and i’m at home alone, the home that i will not live in by the end of the month. things are happening with friends tonight but lately my greatest joy is the ability to spend some time writing, organizing thoughts, getting projects set up. 2016 has been a shit year but i’ve met it with more optimism than i’ve felt since i was going to graduate school. i’m glad to move forward, upward, onward. (and outward, because i’m probably moving to east portland.)

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