204: (d4)

yesterday i described my depression to my therapist as “prismatic.” this is lately, after the vitamin d, after the months of therapy aimed specifically at my depression. she, my therapist i mean, described the prism from a frame of reference perspective: specifically, that during my depression i saw only the light entering the prism, but after, i saw the colors. i changed my frame of reference, in other words. which i guess is true. but to me it’s more like, there is a prism there that filters light, except the light is thought. for a while the “light” was gray and all i saw was fog and numbness. now, the light is brighter, and i am experiencing a reaction to stimuli that i didn’t have a year, two years ago. it’s the different colors of the spectrum, so to speak. the prismatic effect. i receive a stimulus and respond to it with actual, if a little muted, emotion, rather than a broad numbness (or sadness) that basically represented my life the past couple of years. peppered with some laughter. thing is, funny is funny even when you’re horribly depressed. it’s such a weird phenomenon. you can laugh like crazy and then you’re done and you’re just as numb as before. laughter, humor, is like this weird switch that turns on and off. which is why when you try to cheer someone up by making them laugh, it may raise their spirits a bit, but it’s not because of the laughter itself. it’s the connection.

but anyway, my response to stimuli is different. better. more clear. i react to negative thoughts better than i did before. they don’t sit in me like they use to, they don’t fester and grow into terrible thoughts. i get mad at ex-girlfriends rather than get depressed and feel like i’m worthless. i’m worth something! that’s a wildly different feeling than i’ve had lately, and i’m very glad i have it.

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