199: (conceptual love)

i fell in love with a concept of you. don’t be mad, it happens to everyone. it has to happen, because the only consciousness you know is your own. when you meet people you can’t help but project yourself onto them. so to speak. because all you know is what you know. and i did that with you, and i’m sure you did that with me. and that’s infatuation, that’s like the force field that gets brought up when you first start dating. so, love, dating, like, constant dating, i mean, it’s not about wearing down your soul. people mistake that. it’s about learning how to bring down that force field, how to be yourself to a person and not expect anything from them. when you’re infatuated with someone, that infatuation is a reflection of you, not them, because all you see are the things you’re infatuated with–physical stuff, mostly. when the force field goes down, suddenly you’re confronted with a person you never even met. and that’s happening now, i’m sorry. there are all these aspects of you that would have kept me from dating you, had i allowed myself to see them. i don’t mean that in a negative way. people are people, we all have different ways of living. but it’s important, i think, to find people that accentuate your qualities, that do things and act like a person you want to be with, not one where you block out qualities that you don’t want in a person. god this sounds so shitty, this sounds terrible, i’m sorry. i loved spending time with you but you have qualities that i don’t want in a partner. that’s all. it sucks but … that’s it. i fell in love with a concept that wasn’t true to the final product.

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