195: queen elizabeth ii (double stuf oreos)

dennis, get me the president. the president of nabisco. did you know that is a portmanteau of “national biscuit company”? well it is. biscuits in england are cookies, you see. they call them biscuits in england because cookies sounds like a thing a baby would eat, while biscuits, well, they are a refined gentleman’s dessert, a thing you eat while drinking earl grey tea, you see. nabisco started in england, do you see where i’m going here? what? that’s not true? new jersey you say? well shit. email me the wikipedia article, i’ll read it later. the issue at hand: these oreos which state that they are stuffed full of double the amount of creme than a regular oreo are, in fact, lying. i did the math. you’ll see the food scale and the dissected oreo cookies, or should i say, biscuits, arranged chaotically in front of me. i took the singular oreo creme and weighed it, and then weighed a “double stuf” cookie. the creme of the double stuffed cookie should arguably weigh twice as much as the single creme. yet this was not the case! i am understandably outraged at how i am being gypped out of the rest of my double stuffed creme! i am–what? gypped? what about it? culturally insensitive? oh please, gypsies literally stole my father’s ashes at his funeral because they thought his wedding ring was inside, don’t get me started on gypsies. your job, dennis, is to call the president of nabisco and yet i have yet to see a single phone up to your ear! get to dialing! i refuse to eat one more oreo until i have confirmation from the president of nabisco that i will receive double the stuffing in a double stuffed oreo cookie! this is ludicrous! absolutely ludicrous!

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