kevin, i love you a lot but your dick is too big. i just, i have to say it. it’s like getting fucked by the fat end of a baseball bat. it hurts! wipe that pride off your face, asshole, this is a big deal. my shit tears up when you fuck me and then one wrong move with the bathroom and toilet paper and i’ve got an infection. and then you’re out of sex for a few weeks while i heal up. how do you like that? you can’t just jackhammer me in doggy, you can’t, i know that’s what porn looks like but, no, no, that’s not acceptable in real life. it hurts in the morning and then i’m pissed at you all day while i shift awkwardly in my chair at work. you gotta start watching those porns where they’re softer, more mellow. stop watching nacho vidal rip open a lady’s asshole with his thermos-sized cock. and no, you are no nacho vidal, okay? we have to go slower, you have to give my pussy some time to relax, okay? i’m surprised no other woman has given you this talk, kevin. it’s kind of a big deal. a huge deal. okay not a huge deal, don’t–look it’s not great to have a big dick man! it’s not great! it’s great for pornography because it’s easier to see on screen, but you by far have the biggest dick i’ve ever sat on and it’s so big it’s making me reconsider childbirth, okay? let’s go get some burritos.