172: lucy isabella (beyond my league)

hey, i got some groceries, a few odds and ends. once i’m done unpacking everything let’s go through the receipt and divvy up who’s going to use what? sound good? okay. oh, and, oh my god, helen i have to tell you about this woman at the coffeeshop. are you busy? no, okay, good, so this woman, i … you know, you see a lot of people, right? and there’s all kinds of people and some, some people are fucking hot. like, super gorgeous, people you’d want to sleep with, and then there’s also people who are not as “hot” so much but are attractive and seem like good people and you want to maybe date them for a bit to see if they’re good marriage material or whatever. but this woman … i was taken aback, helen, taken aback by her beauty. i went up to the register to get an americano and, you know fillmore, they make pizzas and stuff like that, so there’s a guy washing dishes and two people, the owners i think, both prepping dough for pizzas. and i don’t see the woman yet so when she appears, shirt covered in flour, with these gorgeous blue eyes and short wavy dark brown hair. she wipes her hands on her apron and–now, in hindsight, i’m thinking, “could she tell that i was completely infatuated with her in a matter of seconds?” she took me by surprise. i was actually, honestly taken aback by her beauty. i thought that was a cliche thing you only read in books but then it happened, right there in front of me.

i mean, she is beyond my league, helen. she is in a league i didn’t even know existed, this … ethereal pixie of beauty league. i babbled my order at her because i was distracted by how gorgeous she was. i don’t know. i don’t know! i haven’t felt this way since i was in college, you know, that twitterpated feeling you get in your 20s because you haven’t had your heart broken enough. before the wall sets in, before your skin thickens so much you can’t remember what love felt like. this woman … she pierced through that wall like her eyes had laser beams inside them. and now i have to fight this feeling inside that i’m not good enough to ask her out. i have to fight this depression garbage, this shit pile of “i’m not good enough” or “i’m a burden on other people.” because i see that look on your face, i know what you’re thinking. “why don’t you ask her out?” well that would be great except for how out of my league she is, but at the same time, maybe she’s not–you see what i’m going through here? me asking her out would be a huge breakthrough in my next therapy session, helen.

i’m having a little panic attack about this woman! because in her presence i was quietly reminded that i am not worth her time. and that, i don’t believe that anymore. that is a belief i used to have, it’s the whole reason i went to therapy in the first place, but now, now … helen you have to help me. i can’t stop thinking about this woman. she’s a barista so it’s not like i can ask her out to coffee. that would be stupid. but drinks sound too forward. what should i do? what if she has a boyfriend? i have to stay positive. i have to remind myself that i could very well be worth her time. maybe we’re soulmates! maybe this was meant to be. maybe god put her there today so we could meet. i mean … maybe she was taken aback too! how crazy would that be? maybe she saw me and was knocked out by my beauty! yeah! that’s totally possible! maybe i brightened her day, maybe she’s at home now talking to her roommate about how great it was to meet me!

that’s it. tomorrow morning i’m getting a latte and i’m going to ask her out, presuming she’s there, of course. i’m going to ask her out and this is going to be the start of me pursuing what i want, come hell or highwater! god this feels great, this feels so great. thank you helen, thank you for helping me get through this, i really appreciate it. you wanna get some food? i’m starving! i feel like i could eat a horse…

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