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last night at therapy i was reminded of a lot of things. it’s cliche at this point but shit that happens in your childhood sticks with you. it really does. i was dealing with this concept of being a “burden,” which, by the way, is a very visceral word for me. a really gut-wrenching word. i said it to my therapist and felt, i don’t know, this mix of fear and sadness rustle up in my gut. but it’s true, i feel like a burden more often than not, especially with regards to friends and relationships. i think i’m a trouble to be with, like, a, well, a burden. she told me to think about the feelings associated when i feel burdensome, and that’s a tangled web to unweave. so … that’s why i’m here, because i need to be with you and not feel like i’m burdening you. i’m not sure how to do that, but it’s important for me to be in your life but not suffocating your life. i can’t do these things alone because then i’m alone, and i’m just reinforcing this feeling i have, of being a burden. i know i’ve been difficult to be around and i know every fiber in your being is telling you to leave, that it would be better for the both of us but i … really … think you should stay. because of all the people i know here, i know you the best, and i think you know me the best too, and despite our weird parts i think we’re a good match just bogged down by some bullshit. some of that is my fault, and i’m working on it. some of it is your fault, and you’re working on it. some of it isn’t anyone’s fault. but i think we can make it work. i kind of need for it to work. [beat] christ. this isn’t working at all. this doesn’t make any goddamn sense. the only way to not be a burden is to not be around anyone, ever. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. go, just, just go. it’s fine. i’ll be fine. please.

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