098: thom

it didn’t sink in until i went back to work. i walked in, sat down at my desk, people asked me if i was feeling better and i honestly said, “no.” i looked at my hands, dry from the drugs. stared into space for longer than i realize. this was the rest of my life, slightly tweaked, slightly more on edge, now more nervous to touch, to kiss, than before. i tried to keep my spirits up during the whole ordeal but no matter what you think or what you read, the stigma always creeps in. when people look at me i just assume they know, that they can see it on me, because they *can* see it on me. that somehow they are able to look through me to all the fear and embarrassment, the guilt and the shame, as if i did something wrong. but i didn’t do anything wrong. so why am i so shaken about it? it was one time, one night with one person that changed everything. but not everything! one thing, one arguably small thing in the grand scheme of life. i should be okay with this, right? it’s the stigma, it’s just the stigma.

my sleep schedule is all fucked up. i basically wake up every hour or so, adjust myself, fall back asleep, and so on. at one point around 4am i had to pee so i got up to pee, and as i was peeing i was hit with a terrible dizzy spell. i felt like i was going to pass out, or puke, or both. it was really unnerving. i walked back to bed in the darkness and could see these little firework explosions of light inside my eyes. sometimes i would wake up incredibly warm. other times i would be fine, but my fingers would be asleep. but that’s something i’ve been dealing with for years. oh and eating, my jaw is so sensitive from the swollen lymph nodes under my chin, it makes eating a nightmare. the aches, the pains, the constant tired feeling. it’s my body adjusting to a new life.

in the end i feel like something massive has happened to me, but only i and some people close to me get to know about it, because it’s personal and it’s a big deal and etc etc. it’s probably for the best; my life is my own and doesn’t deserve to be known by everyone. it’s just … a really weird, really sudden change, and now i have to go through it mostly alone. which is odd. that’s all.

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