087: salvador

before we even start, i just have to let you know that i’m really bad at this sort of thing. women, in general, really. i’m bad at dating, i’m bad at relationships, i’m bad at expressing myself, especially when i feel slighted or frustrated by a person or situation. i made a resolution to try and combat this: come hell or high water, i’m going to express my feelings. which is why i told you i was in love with you, because i am, despite whatever’s going on between us. and when i was in school, i was the “cool guy”–i still don’t know why–but it kind of made me look different than i really am. i just work well in an educational setting, i guess. people think i’m confident but really i’m just aloof and it looks like confidence. the real me is a loner who loves video games and is terrified to ask out women like you because of a crippling fear of rejection. like, some guys, they see a pretty girl alone across the bar and think, “i like her, i want to get to know her better,” and they sidle up next to her and ask her her name. me, i’m like, “she’s gorgeous, and way out of my league, i will just keep drinking,” and i keep drinking, and i eat a giant cheeseburger and get mustard on my new shirt, and i get too drunk and fall off my barstool, et cetera. and it’s not just that. i’m in my 30s and am nowhere where i should be in life. at this point it’s not even depression that i have, it’s just loss. it’s like when you’re bowling and you roll a gutter ball, and you just watch it slowly roll away, with no way of even coming close to a pin. that’s how i feel. every time i think about dating this big warning sign, “TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST,” flashes before my eyes. but it’s not like i have an entire life to take care of myself, you know? i just have to move forward, and worry about the consequences later.

so when i tell you that i’m in love with you, i do so because i need to express my feelings or else i dwell on them until they hurt, like laying on a board full of emotional spikes. i do so with this tremendous amount of self-reported stakes against me, but i’m not an underdog, i’m just a guy who recognizes how inert he is in the universe. i know that’s a lot to bring to the table but i guess i’d rather tell you than let it sit in the pit of my stomach like a rock. i’m in love with you. i have been for a few years now. if you don’t feel the same, that’s okay, i’m happy to be your friend, but … if you do. that would also be nice.

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