turkey. it’s the only meat i’ll eat. and you know why? because turkeys are fuckers, god damned fuckers, plain and simple. chickens, they’re too dumb to know any better, which makes me feel bad for ’em, you know what i mean? i can’t eat a dumb thing. cows? dumb. pigs? smart. too smart! i can’t eat a smart thing either, it’s why i won’t eat dolphin or elephant. turkeys though, they’re just the right amount of stupid and smart to be absolute fuckers. plus they’re delicious. and they’re so big and fat, they can’t run fast enough to get away from me, so i just chase after them and grab ’em and break their necks. i feel like a man when i do that. chickens in those tiny coops? they’re just fodder, just dumb malnourished things that get pulped into chicken nuggets or pop out eggs. that’s sad. that’s just sad. i don’t want to eat a thing that’s got some kind of aura of sad around it. the eggs are good though. turkeys don’t get sad, though, they just get angry. they gobble all over the place and they just look like shit. you ever seen a real turkey? fuck ben franklin for wanting them to be the national bird. they look like shit! they are the cows of the bird world. big dumb fuckers, that’s all they are. dumb turkeys. they deserve to be eaten, the shits.