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so let me explain this dream to you. you can fold the laundry while i tell you. i know dreams are boring to other people but listen: i was trying to climb out of fidel castro’s beard. like, i was trapped in the hair, and every time i tried to get out he would inhale and i would be jerked back, like i was going to fly into his nose. meanwhile a dog was riding an orca through his hair. i think it’s a metaphor for cuban immigrants entering america? this dog had aviator glasses and a scarf–he looked like snoopy, like a real life snoopy, when he is that world war i flying ace. and he’s just sitting on this orca, uh, uh, killer whale–okay you know what an orca is, just checking, anyway, he’s sitting and the thing’s bobbing up and below the beard hair. the dog is barking but it’s morse code and he’s saying “i’ve got a banana sandwich” in morse code. i mean, i knew he was saying that but i don’t know if the morse code he was barking was that exact sentence. you know what i mean?

then my grandma shows up, she’s wearing a ballerina outfit with a tutu and she’s like ballet moving on the points of her toes, on the top of the beard. like a jesus-walking-on-water kind of thing. she comes over to me and extends her hand and i’m about to grab it when fidel sneezes. suddenly we’re all thrown from the beard and we’re tumbling through the air and as we’re falling i see the ground is nothing but spikes, and we’re heading toward it so fast. i wake up just when we hit, and i guess i kind of bounce in my bed when i hit because of my muscles tensing or something, because the bounce is so huge that i literally bounce myself off my bed and onto the floor, which, i shit you not, was covered in lego pieces. i know what you’re thinking: what is a grown single man doing with lego pieces on the ground–the answer is that i love legos, fuck you. but i went from falling in my dream to falling in real life, on a pit of lego spikes.

i still don’t know what it means. do you still have that dream dictionary your aunt gave your for christmas? i wonder if it has anything about fidel castro in it. let’s go check.

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