076: ethan

is anyone in this fucking group going to acknowledge that we’re all lying to ourselves and to each other? every week we come in here with these stories and these promises about how we’re going to change our ways, and every week we come back with sunken eyes, gaunt cheekbones, and track marks. this isn’t an NA meeting, it’s a death cult. it’s twenty people who use this time to escape the inevitable. we’re all dying, we’re all fucking dying, we’re scratching our meth-addled faces, we’re shaking as we wait to be let out so we can get another fix … it’s a waste of time. we might as well just go now. even these fucking cigarettes are killing us. this is a room full of people who know they’re a waste to society and would rather ride the ticking timebomb among their peers than function in the real world. and i’m with you, 100% of the way. last night i got high. the week before i got high. if that 30 day chip was legit currency i would spend it on meth right now, no questions asked. because while we’re a family here, we’re not a family out there, out in the wild, and there’s a million things out there that want us to use, to get high, to die like sick animals in back alleyways while vulture people swoop down and use our death to make themselves look better. i don’t know how to change that. i guess that’s why i’m here, because i’m hoping one of us does.

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