what did i get for christmas? well, i got two spindles, a barometer, twelve paper clips from three different countries, a teddy bear made out of leather (very weird), four wooden dowels, gonorrhea, a basket, metal throwing stars, not sure how many, three empty bags for ice, a driver’s license for an arabian woman named rashid, lingerie clearly not for me, a doctor’s note excusing me for being flatulent in class, a dog bathed in turpentine, oh and the car, i got a car, not a new one but an old 1977 ford pinto, a lemon, some surgical scrubs engraved with a porn studio’s logo on the back and also weirdly enough on the crotch of the pants, a board game called “don’t touch daddy in the shower”–looks homemade–four egg shells impeccably cut in the middle, and i guess the whites and yolks of those eggs in a small mason jar. i think that’s it–no wait i got a bag of coins, like a huge fucking bag of coins, and thirty-six gummy bears, six of each flavor. and a watch. oh two watches, a rolex and a watch whose hands are made out of bacon. not, i mean, real bacon, it’s kind of gross. but i think that’s it, besides the fur cologne and the bearskin toilet seat cover, where the bear head is just the top of the toilet lid, if that makes any sense. it’s kind of impossible to lift the lid at this point. kind of a pointless gift. anyway, that was my christmas, how was yours?