(disheveled, hasn’t bathed or changed clothes, paces around the room)
see, it’s, it’s not that santa claus doesn’t exist, it’s that he’s dead, and has been dead for centuries. i know what you’re thinking but please hear me out. i have evidence to back up my claim. you see that notebook i brought on the table? it’s all in there. i have poured through various books where the author writes about santa claus, books written from now until about the middle of the 16th century. books that mention him speak about him in much the same way we do, a jolly old fat man who delivers presents, but, see, but around the middle of the 17th century, there are a few years, particularly from 1608 to 1614 when all mention of santa claus ceases to exist. in fact in 1608 there is a book by a man, willem van deusen, he’s from denmark, see, and he specifically writes in his book, he specifically writes that santa claus has died. i, i wrote the book and the page number in my notebook in case you don’t believe me. then, for the next half decade or so there is no mention of santa claus, not in any of the books that i’ve read at least. and then … this is the crazy part. in 1614 a british author, simon miller, writes a book called “the life and times of jacob esterwhile,” it’s about a fifty page book, nothing huge, but in it a husband and wife construct the concept of santa claus that we know and love, for their daughter marjorie. in doing so, they buy gifts for her as though they were santa, AND they leave a plate of scones and a glass of milk for santa to eat once he’s arrived. this is the first known instance, again, in the multiple books i’ve read, wherein the idea that parents stand in for santa takes place. thus, in between 1608 and 1614, santa claus died and the western world scrambled to find something to take his place. without a new santa claus, parents were forced to buy gifts for their children on their own. i have all of this in the notebook, i really encourage you to read it, it’s … i mean this is my life’s work, this is what my life is, really. santa claus is dead, and all attempts to create a new santa claus have failed. until tonight.