064 (c5)

i had one of those moments last night where i laughed too much. nervous laughter. felt like … a stench coming off of me, you know, something that everyone could smell. everything was funny. to be fair, my friends really are funny, but i felt like i was overdoing it a bit too much, trying to hide how i was feeling inside. but it was a birthday party, it wasn’t for me, per se. it’s weird how social interaction can do that; the last thing you want to do at a party is bring it down with your sadness, and you need the interaction, you need these people around you, so you bolster yourself up a bit and … it really helps. the balloon deflates after you get home but at least for a moment it was full and rising.

last year, around this time, i hit what i would consider a rock bottom, which i tend to define as a low point that precedes a climb upward. this year, a rock bottom was hit for me, in a way. both years ended essentially in a low, like a lesson waiting to be learned. i keep saying that, and each time it rings differently. i was angry, then i was understanding, and now, i’m almost expectant. i get these lessons at the end of every year, like movies get oscar contenders. it borders on annoying. and maybe this is mixed with guilt, the guilt of all those days wandering into the corner store and purchasing junk food to ease the emotional ache hidden in my heart somewhere. knowing that i was doing harm to my body but feeling like the damage was essential, like a sugary chemotherapy.

for the time being, i wallow in sadness and fear, scared for the future, waiting to see if our keystone will hold or if he will fall and take the whole bridge with him.

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