060 (c2)

dear god.

i’m not praying to you because i like you, or because i even think you exist. i’m praying because i want answers and i want them now. i want you to tell me with no reservation and no bullshit why you decided to give my brother matt colon cancer. i don’t want burning bushes, i don’t want any magic or “signs,” i just want you to tell me straight up what your reasoning is. write it in a letter, have the pope deliver it to me, or make an angel descend from heaven. do what you must. i want to know why you can do something like this and get away with it, like an abusive parent who knows your kids won’t stop loving you even when you smack them around a little bit. i’m here as an ambassador to the human race giving you a chance to prove your reasoning behind your shitty behavior.

everyone here is so quick to make a lesson out of this. what lesson is there? what kind of vindictive god gives a lesson to a 43 year old man with a wife and four children? didn’t he already get a lesson when his youngest child was born premature and had to be stuck in an incubator for two months? but everyone wants to qualify cancer, they want to give it a reason for existing, it’s almost as if they want to forgive its existence and make it worth having. “well, cancer gave him a wake up call” or some bullshit like that. the last thing my brother needs is a wake up call. he’s is the most awake one of us all. he’s healthy, he exercises, he has a beautiful family, i’ve never seen him be angry in my entire life. there is no lesson that needs to be taught here, not by god, not by anyone. this is just genetics and bad luck. no one needs to “learn” from my brother’s mistakes. he had no mistake. the biggest mistake he made was marrying his second wife, but he learned from that and married a much better third wife. she and their son are the ones who will lose him if he dies. his family who all love him dearly will lose him if he dies. why would a benevolent god make this into a lesson? toying with human life like that.

everyone says “god works in mysterious ways.” well he shouldn’t. he’s a benevolent god, if anything he should be completely transparent about his doings, especially when it comes down to killing the people you love. don’t you think? or at least he should tell you the moral of the story once he’s done wrapping a malignant tumor around your brother’s colon. but no, instead we pray for his health. i’m all for the power of positive thinking, but praying to a god who is teaching *someone* a lesson with cancer sounds like a bad idea. sounds like you’re glorifying a killer.

so i’m not praying to you for that. i want your reasoning. no signs, no portents. you give to me as directly as possible, and then maybe i can forgive you.

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