051: esper

at first it felt like an earthquake
which slammed an enormous mountain into existence in front of me,
towering over my head, an epiphany of impossibilities.
but what it ended up being was more of a psychic charley horse,
a swift, stinging pain in my emotional center
followed by two years of dull aching.
i limped around my life during this point, unsure of what to do.
the only solace, to continue the metaphor, was to put pressure on it
and hobble around and wait for the cramp to ease up,
and even after it did, like i said, the ache remained,
so much so that when i tried to massage it
i was only reminded that it was there.
i went to therapy. i took some pills. they asked me how i got to that point.
i didn’t know what to say. how does anyone get to any point?
all we know is when to look back
and feel amazed or shocked at where we’ve come.
i felt nothing. the pressure kept emotions from getting out.
i didn’t even know how i got there–
two years had passed and i was the same,
maybe a dollar more per hour in my paycheck,
my friends sloughing away like dead skin,
my eyes slumped over with the weight of the dismal world i kept watching
stacked on my back, like bricks building a shit house.
kept to myself, slept soundly, counted every heartbeat.
and here i am, all these years later, still afraid to ease the pressure,
still curious as to what it is that’s made me so decrepit
and kept me from feeling content.

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