i tried to stay on target, i was counting calories, i was going to the gym every day. i’m doing this for susan. i’m doing this for susan, i kept saying to myself during my second hour on the treadmill. i know she loves me regardless but still. i’m a fat slob. my pants don’t fit anymore. my shirts are too small. my man boobs are horrendous, look at these things, i have tits, gary. i have legitimate tits. if you put a topless picture of me, neck down, next to a topless picture of a fat lady and had someone try to pick which one was the guy? whoever picked, they’d have to think twice!
but … today at the office. we had “office birthdays,” you know, for the month of october, and the boss sends me to saint cupcake with the work card and explicit instructions to order two dozen mini cupcakes. this is a typical order. the boss is kind of a sweet tooth and he always wants to make sure everyone gets at least two cupcakes. he’s a pusher, gary, a goddammed pusher.
so anyway i get to saint cupcake and i buy three dozen boxes. on the company card. i buy three dozen and i walk back to work with three boxes and i sneak in through the back door and hide the third box, so i can eat it by myself. and that’s what i did. and NOBODY CAUGHT ME! i just know accounting’s gonna find it at some point, they’re gonna find it and i’m going to be up shit’s creek without a paddle. and i was just sitting there in my office, eating cupcakes all day. they were all red velvet. oh god i’m so screwed, gary. i’m so fucking screwed. what do i do? should i just admit i bought $30 worth of cupcakes for myself? i guess i could and just pay him back. what do you think?