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i’ve taken all the boxes and all the magazines and left them beside the front door. your jackets and suitcoats are folded neatly on the boxes. some items, the duvet, for instance, the vinyl records, the wicker laundry basket, i’ve kept for sentimental value. others were thrown into the pool, and you are welcome to retrieve them. i’ve changed the locks on the door so you may leave your keys here, or you may take them with you. the movers are coming at 8am sharp and their service will be charged to your debit card. i hope you understand. i thought long and hard about who should keep lulu and decided, ultimately, that we should both keep her; that being an impossible scenario, i took her to dr wiggins and had her put down. she’s buried in the backyard, and you are welcome to come and visit her grave, so long as you call to arrange an appointment beforehand. we did not have a memorial for her, as she was a dog, so please don’t feel left out in that regard. i have saved her eyes and her canine teeth, which you will find in a jar of formaldehyde in the box labeled “miscellaneous paraphernalia.” please take it as a token of compromise. i will keep the bowflex machine but will give you the free weights and bench because i know you like them. i removed the fish from the aquarium; you will find half of them in small plastic bags in the box labeled “perishables,” and i recommend you find them a new aquarium as soon as possible. half of your shoes i have burned. they, along with other items, are in the box labeled “items i’ve burned.” if you have any other questions or concerns you will find the number of my lawyer written hastily on a legal pad and placed on top of the box labeled, “you fucking piece of shit, you ruined my life.” please do not proceed beyond the line marked in yellow tape on the floor, or else i will be forced to shoot you until you are dead. i hope you understand. thank you.

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