a young man sat next to me in the mall food court and began speaking japanese into his voice recorder. i knew this day would come. the japanese cia is following me.
i had seen the signs weeks before. one morning i woke up to find my cat had puked a perfect replica of hokkaido onto my bedroom carpet. i asked her what was the matter and she replied “nyan” rather than “meow.” i knew something was afoot. i tried to dissect her to see if there were any bugs embedded in her skin, or if she was, in fact, a robot cat, but she escaped into that nook in my closet that i cannot reach. after i lured her out with some food, i deemed her safe. robot cats do not need to eat.
later that week i got on the bus and two stops later seventeen japanese exchange students boarded, all dressed in their school uniforms despite not needing to. they sat at various places on the bus and yet none sat next to me. i glanced to the back of the bus. two of them were taking photos on their cellular phones, both with hello kitty faces on them. i looked back and they winked at me. both of them. at the same time. at first i’ll be quite honest i was a little aroused, never before had one japanese girl dressed in a schoolgirl’s outfit winked at me, much less two. then they both took a picture of me on their phones, and my arousal quickly dissipated, replaced with worry. why had they taken my photo? what did they need it for? my mind raced with possibilities, until today. until today.
i know what you’re thinking. i’m crazy. i’ve gone off the deep end. well if you think it’s crazy to know the japanese cia is following you then i guess i’m crazy. i’m telling you, i’ve seen the signs, i know where this is headed. i’m not exactly sure what they want me for, maybe they want me to be a spy for them, but i promise you that they are coming for me, and when they want me, i’ll know. which is why it is incredibly important for you to buy all of the items on the list i gave you, okay? i can’t leave the house. they will track me down, hell, they probably already have cameras in this building. shit. listen, buy those groceries and meet me at the address written at the bottom. LOOK AT IT OUTSIDE, don’t look at it here, they’ll see it on the cameras. i’ve got to go. i’ve got to get out of here. take it to this address! no later than–well, just get it there, okay? now go, go!