I’ve never done this before but goddammit I have thoughts. SPOILERS, obviously. (this is for S7E4, for when future me reads this and is like “WTF is wrong with me?”)
- Jaime Fucking Lannister. Okay walk with me here. Here’s a guy, finest swordsman in Westeros, right, gets his fucking hand chopped off so early in the series I can’t even remember how good of a swordsman he was purported to be. This guy’s gone through some shit, alright? So if he fucking dies from drowning, I will, I don’t know, I’ll fucking move to Greenland, I don’t even know. If the Hound can end up alive, so can Jaime. (Also I presume Bronn or Dickon *giggle* saved him and will drag him to shore, where Dany will try to kill him but then Tyrion will be like “No my queen” and maybe they hold him hostage against Cersei who’s like “I don’t care about him, just kill him” and then maybe they kill him and THAT’S the saddest thing ever.) My point is, Jaime keeps getting shit on and I don’t like it.
- I am not a Dany fan. I’m House Stark 100%, probably because I come from a lower middle class-to-downright poor family, and I suspect the Starks are like the “good ol’ boys” of Westeros, relatable by virtue of their northern England dialect. So watching Bronn shoot that fucking dragon was the best. I literally was saying “Shoot that dragon” as I watched the episode. Now look: watching Dany wander Essos for however many seasons we’re on now (12? 34?) meant a lot of buildup with little payoff, until now. Watching the Emo Riders of Rohan attack the Lannister troop was awesome, partially because–despite being told earlier in the episode–I didn’t expect Dany to come in on a dragon. I dug this because, again, she’s been thirsting for this for years and then everyone’s like “No you shouldn’t burn everyone up with dragons” and she’s like, “Why the hell else would I have dragons then, huh?” I think her ultimate weakness, though, is that I don’t think she can control what the dragons specifically can do unless she’s riding one of them, which means whenever she needs precision work it means she is vulnerable because she’s on it. But man when Bronn had that ballista out I was like Fuck Yeah Bronn you shoot the shit out of that dragon. (However, why did they have the ballista in the first place? Were they transporting it? Or were they just like “We better have this just in case”?)
- It also was dumb of Jaime to charge a dragon but it was also kind of cool.
- Davos Seaworth is the Yamcha of the GoT universe. I had mentioned this on Facebook before, but this show is turning into DBZ in the sense that you’ve got the big players (Jon Snow, Cersei, etc) making big moves, and then you have these people that had big roles who are falling by the wayside. Like Brienne, used to be major but now she’s like fucking Piccolo. And if that’s the case then Arya’s Gohan. Sort of. Just go with me on this. Tyrion is Krillin but only because he’s short.
- I was really hoping that when Missandei was getting all smiley about the Unsullied, Dany would be like “What’s up with you?” and Missandei would say, “Oh nothing, just that Grey Worm ate me out like Chinese takeout the other night and it was amazing.” Would’ve been a nice bonding moment between them.
- Where the hell is Jon Snow going to get all the people to mine that dragon glass? Also, dragon glass is just obsidian, right? If so, is obsidian in Westeros magical or something? I’m still unclear on that.
- For real when Theon and Jon Snow met I was like, “I can’t even remember if Jon hates Theon or not.”
- So one of Dany’s dragons is named Drogon? How did I miss that? It’s like, “Hey, that’s a beautiful cat, what’s her name?” “Cot.” “Cot? Your cat’s name is Cot?” “Yeah.” “Well okay.”
- “What’s your dog’s name?” “Dag.”
- “Lovely horse.” “Thanks, his name is Harse.”
- I wonder if Aiden Gillen knows that his Littlefinger voice is quite possibly one of the most grating voices ever? I’m sure he does. I can barely listen to that guy because of his voice. He sounds like he’s constantly holding in pot smoke. Or like he’s constantly playing the bassoon but there’s no instrument there. He’s constantly doing “stage whisper.” Guy needs to use his diaphragm.
- Jon’s like “Hey Dany there are some cave drawings in here and fucking Da Vinci drew this portrait of the Night King by the way.” I mean compare it to this cave painting we did thousands of years ago, of what appear to be a bunch of ETs hanging out with some bulls. I know the Children of the
CornForest are supposed to be some kind of magical beings but did they study at the Rhode Island School of Design or someshit?
- Brandon Stark is like that guy in high school who did shrooms one time and from that moment on became a scholar on mycology. You’d be like, “Hey Greg you wanna go to the beach party this weekend?” and he’d calmly say, “No, I must tend to my fungi,” and then occasionally you’d see him tripping at the grocery store, staring at the frozen peas like they were telling him secrets.